


Revelations

by DontCallMeShirley



Series: Words Empty as the Wind Are Best Left Unsaid [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Comfort/Angst, F/M, Family Feels, Female Obi-Wan Kenobi, Gen, maybe Obi-Wan Kenobi/Anakin Skywalker
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2019-06-21 05:53:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 30,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15551085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DontCallMeShirley/pseuds/DontCallMeShirley
Summary: Obi Wan opens up, hoping to get Anakin to follow suit.





	1. Chapter 1

It wasn’t long before The Team was shipped off to the front lines again. Anakin had asked Obi Wan to travel on the Resolute with him and Ahsoka, ostensibly to strategize; Obi Wan suspected Anakin just wanted her nearby, an indulgence that she decided to permit. Once on board, though, she realized that Anakin had something to say but was having a hard time spitting it out.

At the moment Obi Wan was squirreled away in her cabin, going over previous battles and skirmishes and looking for patterns to emerge, and coming up with not much more than a headache. She felt like there was something she was missing, but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. She was initially relieved when she sensed Anakin’s approach. Relieved, until she sensed the uncomfortable mixture of emotions spinning through their bond--hope, guilt, determination, and...jealousy? It appeared that Anakin was ready to talk.

Obi Wan set down her datapad and waited as Anakin waffled outside of the door. Finally, she got up and opened it herself.

“Come in Anakin, don’t just dilly dally about in the hallway,” she said, pulling her young friend in. She perched on one of the bunks, and gestured to Anakin to have a seat, which he declined. Instead, he prowled back and forth in the narrow space.

“You appear to have something on your mind,” Obi Wan finally said. 

Anakin finally stopped in front of her, radiating insecurity. “Master, I…When Duchess Satine was being threatened by Tal Merrick, you told her you would have left the Order for her.”

Obi Wan stroked her chin as she weighed her response carefully. “Yes. That is true. I would have, at that time. But I knew it was unlikely she would ever ask. Duty looms large for both of us.”

Anakin visibly wilted, and Obi Wan held up her hand. “I did actually leave the Order once.” Anakin perked back up. How Anakin could feel so much, so continuously and so deeply, was always a wonder to Obi Wan.

“You did?”

“Oh yes. I left the order when I was 14, to help some friends I’d made on a planet embroiled in a civil war. The Force showed me the path.”

“14? Well you’re obviously a Jedi now. What happened? What did Qui Gon do?” Anakin asked. This was a whole new side to Obi Wan. One that Anakin wished he’d known about before as he struggled with his own place in the Order.

“Qui Gon was angry and left me on the planet. He accepted me back reluctantly when I returned, and it took awhile to regain his trust,” Obi Wan replied.

Anakin was shocked, and angry on Obi Wan’s behalf. His memory of Qui Gon was of a kind and understanding man. He tried to imagine himself doing the same thing with Ahsoka, and failed. “He left you on a planet with a civil war?” 

“There were extenuating circumstances,” Obi Wan noted, “but yes, that’s the gist.” Her eyes held a glint of humor. “You know, I almost left one other time too,” she said casually.

“What?!” Anakin was reeling from all these revelations. He could hardly believe what he was hearing, and was starting to wonder how well he really knew Obi Wan. 

“Yes, with you. When you were 12 and were considering leaving. I would have gone with you,” Obi Wan explained.

“Me? You would have gone with me?” Anakin parroted, confused. He couldn’t quite get his mind around this concept. Why hadn’t he known this? 

“Certainly, Anakin. You were 12, and you were my responsibility. I had promised Qui Gon I would train you. And you were far too young to be galavanting about the galaxy on your own. I even told Yoda I would leave with you.” Obi Wan smiled fondly at Anakin’s shocked face. 

“Master. Why didn’t you tell me before?” Anakin asked plaintively.

Obi Wan stroked her chin thoughtfully. “About what? My misadventures when I was 14? I didn’t want to give you any ideas. About leaving with you? You yourself chose not to go. What purpose would it have served?” 

Anakin just rolled his eyes. “Well, I guess it would have been nice to know more about you.” He looked at Obi Wan with an unsettling air of devotion. “And that you would have chosen me over the Order.” 

Before Obi Wan could get too nervous Anakin looked away again. “I remember that whole thing,” he mused. “Wanting to leave, I mean. It was after the Chancellor took me to that gambling den.”

And now it was Obi Wan’s turn to stare at Anakin. “He WHAT?”

“Oh. Well, I think he told me not to mention that. But he was just trying to show me the levels of corruption and greed that needed to be rooted out,” Anakin said as Obi Wan continued to stare at him.

“He took you to a gambling den? When you were 12? To show you corruption?” Obi Wan blinked a couple of times, then frowned. “And this made you want to leave the Order?” she asked warily.

“That’s when I got the idea, I think,” Anakin explained. “Because it felt like the Jedi weren’t doing enough to stop slavery and corruption.” 

“I see,” Obi Wan said, staring off into space, stroking her chin some more. So soothing. Reminded her of Qui Gon. A very nasty idea had entered her mind and she wanted time to think about it. But before she could continue with that train of thought, she was caught up in one of Anakin’s impulsive hugs.

“Thank you, Master. For everything,” he said, voice muffled against Obi Wan’s hair. 

“You’re welcome Anakin. Is there anything else you want to...ask me?” Obi Wan knew Anakin had been leading somewhere with his line of questioning, but now he had been derailed by all the new information. Anakin sighed, blowing Obi Wan’s hair around wildly in the process. He still hadn’t let go. So unjedi-like, yet so very like Anakin.

Obi Wan wasn’t blind or stupid. She knew Anakin and Padme were involved. She also knew that Anakin chafed against the restrictions of the Council and the Code. She thought it best if Anakin broached the subject himself though. 

Anakin finally released her and stood up. “I’ve thought about it myself…recently,” he admitted. “But I would never do it while the war is on. And,” he continued, half to himself, “I can’t--I won’t--I don’t think I can leave you and Ahsoka.”

Obi Wan thought about all the lectures she’d given over the years about attachment, possessiveness, letting go, etc., etc., ad infinitum, and sighed. She decides not to repeat them. What would be the point? Instead she said, “You will never lose me as a friend, Anakin, whether you are a jedi or not. And while I can’t speak for Ahsoka, I imagine she feels the same way. Only you can choose the right path for yourself.”

She waited, hopeful. Perhaps Anakin would trust her, would confide in her on his own. Instead, he headed for the door. 

“You’ve given me a lot to think about, Master. Obi Wan. Thank you.” His face was turned away, but his emotions felt confused, conflicted, exalted, terrified. “I’m meeting Ahsoka in half an hour to spar. I hope you’ll join us.” And he left.

Obi Wan sighed again, disappointed. That hadn’t gone quite as well as she’d hoped. No matter how much she tried going against the Jedi teachings, going against her own reserved nature, to open up to Anakin and demonstrate her trust, Anakin had a hard time reciprocating. However, he had inadvertently given Obi Wan something very troubling to mull over as she reconsidered the way this war was going. Perhaps she had time to meditate on it before joining Ahsoka and Anakin for a spar.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I initially intended this to be a one-shot, but instead I wrote more.

Obi Wan sunk into meditation to think through the idea that Anakin had raised.  She inspected it from many angles in the Force, but with every turn it glimmered with truth.  She emerged from her meditation alarmed but determined. 

She considered contacting the Council right away, but decided instead to have Anakin go over her findings, and see if he concurred. The Force had been clear that working with Anakin was her best solution.  

By the time she got to the sparring area, Anakin and Ahsoka had been there awhile, and were sprawled out on the benches, drinking water.

“Sorry I am late,” said Obi Wan, “but I was meditating and lost track of time.”

“You were just afraid I would beat you, Master,” said Anakin.

“You know Anakin, the only thing standing between you and victory is defeat,” she responded with an arched brow.

Ahsoka giggled at that, and Anakin gave her a hard stare.

“Are you ready to go another round, or would you rather not tempt your luck?” Obi Wan asked, and Anakin snorted.

“You wish, Obi Wan! You are the one who is tempting their luck.”

Obi Wan and Anakin fell into their opening stances, and then the match began.  They moved together so beautifully that Ahsoka never tired of watching them. Even the Force felt joyful around them. Finally, Anakin got too aggressive and fell into one of Obi Wan’s traps; it looked like she had won, but while she had her lightsaber at his neck, he managed to point his to her heart.

“Draw?” she asked with a smile, and he smiled in return.

“Draw.”

They towelled off and sat in companionable silence while they all sipped their water.  Then Ahsoka stood up.

“I told Rex I’d play Dejarik with him.  Unless you need me for anything right now, Master?” she asked, and Anakin shooed her away.  

“That’s fine, but make sure you finish your astronavigation assignment later,” he said. “You need to send it back to the Temple.”

“Of course Master!” Ahsoka said as she trotted away.  Anakin watched her go with a faint smile on his face.

“You’re doing quite well with her, Anakin,” said Obi Wan, and Anakin beamed.  “Thank you Master! I mean Obi Wan! I am trying. When I don’t know what to do or say, I try to think of what you would do.”  

Obi Wan patted him on the shoulder and stood up herself.  “That’s very flattering, Anakin. I’m glad my teaching made a positive impression on you.”  

“You’re the best master ever,” he said sincerely, and she raised both eyebrows.

“Are you trying to butter me up for something?” she asked.  “Are you behind on your reports again?”

Anakin laughed and stood up with her.  “Maybe.”

She turned to him as they headed down the hallway.  “Let me know what you need. In the meantime, there is something I’d like your help with Anakin, if you don’t mind.”

“Is it my reports?” he asked mischievously.

“Hmm, I wish I’d thought of that,” she responded.  “No, it’s something else entirely. Something troubling.  I’d really value your input.” 

He followed her to her room, and she handed over her datapad.  “This is a review of our battles and skirmishes so far. Read it and tell me if anything jumps out at you as a common denominator. I’d be much more comfortable about this if you arrived at the same conclusion I did.”

Anakin dutifully took the datapad and began reading, and was soon frowning.

“Every time we informed the Chancellor’s office about our plans ahead of time, those were the battles where we were seriously outmanned and outgunned,” he finally said. He looked up at her. “Is his office bugged?  Is a spy working for him? We should tell Chancellor Palpatine right away!”

Obi Wan held up her hand and shook her head.  “Not so fast. “If it’s a spy, we don’t want to alert them, we want to catch them. But…” she trailed off pensievely. She needed to approach this carefully, Anakin looked at the Chancellor as a friend and a mentor and a trusted advisor.

He was watching her with a puzzled expression.  “But what?”

“What if the Chancellor has been...compromised?” she asked tentatively and prepared herself for the coming storm.

Anakin, scowling, grew dark in the Force. “What are you suggesting Obi Wan! The Chancellor would NEVER betray the Republic!  NEVER!!”

“That’s not what I said, Anakin,” Obi Wan replied calmly, meanwhile thinking to herself that that is exactly what she meant.  Anakin was sharper than she sometimes realized.

“Well that’s what you meant!  He...he...he’s a good man! I trust him!” The Force was practically howling now with the weight of Anakin’s ire.  “You’re just jealous!” he spat out.

Obi Wan stared at him.  “Of what, Anakin?”

“Of my relationship with the Chancellor! He trusts me! He confides in me!  And I can tell him anything and he won’t judge me!!”

Obi Wan quickly threw up her shields to hide her hurt, but she knew he had sensed it. She turned away from him.

“I see,” she said.  “Well, I trust this will remain private between the two of us.” 

His emotions were roiling, much of the anger replaced by shame and confusion and discomfort. It was a beastly mixture. He walked over to her and put his hand on her shoulder. “Obi Wan…” he said softly, but she didn’t turn around. “I’m sorry...I...my emotions are all over the place, since the war started. I’m sorry.  I do trust you.”

She spun around and said sharply, “Do you Anakin? You just said you didn’t. I keep trying to reach you, but I’m not getting through. You won’t let me in.”

He hugged her then, tightly, and she could feel his tears rolling into her hair. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.  “I don’t want to disappoint you. I can’t bear to disappoint you. And...and I’m afraid you’ll choose the Council over me.”

She pulled away from him then. That sounded ominous. “We all disappoint people sometimes. But I’d rather have you be honest with me. And I’ll always support you. I always have supported you.”

He took a deep breath and avoided her eyes. “I’m married. To Padme,” he said.

“See, that wasn’t so hard,” she said, and his eyes widened in shock.

“Oh Anakin, I knew you were involved with her!  You’re not subtle, either of you. Married though…” she trailed off.  “That I didn’t know. You do realize you made a commitment to the Jedi Order? You’re going to have to pick eventually.”

“I don’t want to,” he said sullenly. “I want to be a Jedi, and work with you and Ahsoka, and be married to Padme.”  

“Yes, well, that’s not how life works,” she said, and when she noticed his brows lowering again she quickly added, “Don’t worry, I won’t tell the Council.  This is something for you to work out on your own. But,” she added, “I am very glad you told me.”

She sensed that there was more to come, but he wasn’t ready yet, and she wasn’t sure she was either.  


	3. Chapter 3

Obi Wan was in the middle of a deep sleep when she sensed a presence nearby.  Anakin, she thought to herself as she opened her eyes. A very distraught Anakin.

They had been part of a massive battle the previous day, and were camped out on the planet’s surface for the following clean-up mission and to root out any remaining pockets of droids.  She wondered if something about the battle had disturbed him, but that didn’t seem right. She was about to sit up when he put a hand on her shoulder to hold her down.

“Please…” he whispered, and she could hear the tears in his voice.  “Don’t turn around. Don’t look at me. I have to tell you something, and you might hate me, despise me, but I have to tell you anyway.”  So she lay back down, turned so her back was to him, and waited for his confession.

He took a few deep breaths to calm himself, and then he began his story.

“When I went to Tatooine to find my mother, she had been taken captive by the Sand People. I found their camp, and then I found her...she’d been tied up on poles in a tent, beaten, starved, tortured…” he trailed off for a moment, and took another deep breath.

“I untied her, held her, but it was too late. She was so glad to see me, I think she felt she could die then. And when she died, I lost my mind. I lost all control.  All I could feel was anger, hate, rage...and they were animals who had done this to my mother, animals, and I slaughtered them!” he gulped a few times, then continued. “I slaughtered them. I killed them all. The men, the women, the children. My anger told me none of them deserved to live.”

He knelt by her bed, breathing harshly. She didn’t look at him, but lay still, grappling with the horror of what he had just told her. She didn’t know what to say.  This was far worse than his other confession. So she reached out to the Force to release some of her dread and the sickness that rose within her, and searched hard for just the right thing to say, discarding each thing that came to her until she realized the simplest thing was the best.

“Do you regret it?” she asked, still turned away from him.  She sensed his surprise at the question through their bond.

“No!” he said harshly, then paused.  “Yes,” he said more softly. “Sometimes.  They haunt me. I didn’t feel better after I killed them at all.  I felt worse. My mother was still dead, nothing could bring her back, and now I’m a murderer too….” At this he collapsed into a heap of tumultuous weeping.

And being unsure what else to do, and still in shock herself, she gathered him up on the bed and spooned him, rubbing his back until he fell asleep, following him soon thereafter.

**********

When she woke up in the morning she had a heavy feeling in her stomach and wondered why for a moment; till she realized Anakin was pressed up against her and she remembered his confession. 

Should she turn him in?  But to who? There was no justice to be had on Tatooine, so that was out. After what she had come to suspect about Palpatine, there was no way she was turning him in to the Republic either.  If she brought this to the Jedi Council, would they kick him out? That would leave him adrift, easy pickings for the dark side. He must have told her for a reason though. She suspected he wanted to make amends somehow, that he wanted to be held responsible.  She wondered if he’d told anyone else.

At this point in her musings she felt him start to stir.  When he realized where he was and what he had told her, he stiffened up immediately and turned to face her with a look of dread.

“Anakin,” she said softly. “We are going to meditate.”

He nodded stiffly but obediently took up a meditation position on the floor. She held his hand, knowing he would need guidance and help for this, and they sank together into the Force.  And through the Force she saw his regret, his sorrow, his pain, his rage, his hate, his love. He was far more on the cusp than she had realized, and he could go either way. But--and this was important, she saw--he had come to her for guidance. 

They emerged from the meditation, Anakin looking calmer than before. 

“I thought you would hate me,” he said.

“I don’t hate you Anakin,” she replied sadly, tucking a lock of hair behind his ear.  “But I hate what you did. You’re better than that.”

“Maybe I’m not,” he said, a sullen look coming over his face, mingling with the relief.

“You are. I know you are. But you did something wrong, and I think you need to do something to atone for it. You need to pay a penance.”

She could feel cautious hope swirling through their bond.  “What do you mean by penance?” 

“You must help others, selflessly. You’ll need to do it until you feel better in here,” she said, patting her hand over his heart.  He grabbed her hand and held it tight.

“What if I never feel better?” he asked in a whisper.  But she sensed that he already did, whether because he had told someone he deemed older and wiser, or…

“Anakin, who else knows about this?” she asked, suddenly suspicious. He had been on Tatooine with Padme Amidala.

“Well...Padme knows. She was there, and I told her when it happened.”

“And what did she say?” Obi Wan was curious. She obviously hadn’t been bothered enough by it not to marry him.

“She said...she said to be angry is human,” Anakin said. 

Obi Wan repressed a snort of irritation. And here she’d always thought Padme was so idealistic.  Instead she made a noncommittal noise. “Who else knows, Anakin?” she pressed.

“Chancellor Palpatine,” he admitted in a low voice, eyes downcast.

She sat quietly as alarm bells blared in her head. She needed to take her suspicions to the Council sooner rather than later.

“And he didn’t see anything wrong with what happened?” she asked. 

“NO!” Anakin’s head snapped up, eyes blazing. “He supports me no matter what!”

She just sat there looking at him calmly until his anger ebbed and his eyes dropped once more. She knew it was better to let him reach that particular conclusion on his own.  

And really, she was grateful that he had come to her with this, no matter how much it hurt her heart. If he had been content with the reassurances and answers given by Padme and Palpatine, he never would have. The fact that he felt regret and knew he needed to atone...well, that augured well for him achieving and maintaining balance within himself, even if it was a lifelong process. Without that, how could he manage to bring balance to the Force?


	4. Chapter 4

Obi Wan didn’t want to speak about anything related to Anakin or Palpatine over a holotransmission, so she waited until they returned to Coruscant, and she asked for a private audience with Master Yoda.

She met with him in his meditation chambers.  She found she was wringing her hands, and willed herself to stop, releasing her anxieties to the Force.  If anyone could help them, it would be Yoda. If he turned her down... no, she couldn’t worry about that now.

“Before I begin my tale, Master, I must request that what I say go no further than this room,” she said firmly. She had no interest in throwing Anakin to the sharks.

He regarded her in silence for a moment. “Agree with this I cannot, young Obi Wan,” he finally replied. “Need to know more I do, before such a thing I can promise.”

“Master Yoda, if you will not grant me this, then I have nothing further to say,” she responded, lips drawn tightly together, before relenting.  “Actually, I have two things to tell you, and one of them you will need to involve the Council on. The other is not to be discussed with anyone else for now. Or possibly ever.”

Yoda closed his eyes and sighed.  He looked every bit his age for a moment, but he nodded.  “Tell me, then.”

She started with her suspicions about Palpatine, laying out how every time they got information from him, or told him their plans, the Separatists seemed to know everything. She showed him data from their battles to back up this accusation. Then she told him how Palpatine appears to have been attempting to corrupt Anakin over the years, describing how when he was 12, Palpatine was behind his interest in leaving the Order.

Yoda said nothing during her recitation, just listened intently.

“Very serious this is, Obi Wan.  Meditate on this I must.” A gleam appeared in his eye.  “Assume I do that speak of this I may with the Council, hmm?”

“Yes, Master Yoda,” she said, with a faint smile, which quickly faded.  “Now the next part of my story is for your ears only.” 

“About your former apprentice, this is,” Yoda stated.

“Yes,” she agreed.

And so she laid out Anakin’s transgressions--his marriage, his murder of the Sand People. She told Yoda how she had meditated with him and had seen the darkness within him herself.  And then she explained how Palpatine also knew these things about Anakin, and had been encouraging him in his anger and his selfishness and his frustration with the Council in general, and with Obi Wan in particular.

“I am very worried, Master,” Obi Wan confessed.  “He is on the brink. I am grateful he came to me when he did.” She paused a moment before adding,  “I’m grateful he came to me at all, quite frankly.” 

“I don’t want to get into the issues of his marriage at the moment.  Our more immediate concern is his murderous revenge against the Sand People.  He wants to be held accountable, but we cannot bring this to the Republic courts, nor to the Hutts, nor to the Sand People,” she said.  “There will be no justice from any of those sources, and we cannot afford to push him further from the Light.”

Yoda’s ears drooped during this recitation, but he eyed her keenly. “An idea you have, Obi Wan. An idea you always have,” he said.

“Indeed,” she agreed.  “The Force has shown me a path, and I am hoping to get your blessing and assistance. He needs to pay penance for his crimes against the Sand People, but it needs to be something that will help him stay in the Light. I was thinking we could send him to a world where he is needed, but where there is no glory, no rewards for himself. He needs to be separated from Palpatine and the demands of the War. He needs a chance to find himself again.” Or find himself for the first time, she thought to herself, but did not voice it aloud. She could beat herself up about her failures with Anakin again later.

She looked at Yoda, hoping against hope he would understand what she was saying and would be willing and able to assist her.  Yoda looked back at Obi Wan, weighing her words and the options before them. Finally, he spoke.

“Wise you are, Obi Wan. Meditate I must, before any guidance I give.  Some ideas I have. Speak with you later I will.”

She took that as the clear dismissal that it was and left his chambers to find Anakin.

 

**********

 

Two days later Obi Wan was summoned back to Yoda’s meditation room. She had asked Anakin to please remain in the Temple while they were on Coruscant, and he had mercifully agreed. She felt edgy and nervous, and didn’t have the wherewithal to fight him on this; she was grateful he was listening to her. He was busy in the starfighter hangars at the moment, making repairs to his Delta 7.

Obi Wan joined Yoda on the meditation cushions.  

“Given your words much thought, I have,” he said.  “And a solution I have discovered for young Skywalker. A planet there is that needs assistance, but cut off all aid to planets not affected by the War, the Senate has . This planet is not powerful or wealthy enough to demand help. ” He paused a moment and frowned, his unhappiness at the war in general, and the direction of the Senate in particular, evident.

“Help them Skywalker can. The Force has shown that help him they can too,” he continued.

Obi Wan let out a breath she didn’t realize she had been holding.

“Thank you Master!” she exclaimed.  “And no one will know he is there, except for you and I?” 

“Master Windu I will tell, but no others,” he agreed.  She nodded. That was fair. Mace was in charge of the Temple after all. She just hoped he wouldn’t hold it against Anakin later.

“The planet is called Na’asho’ii. A sentient race you will find there, but speak Basic they do not. An illness they are facing, and help they need,” he explained.

“Anakin is no healer,” Obi Wan began, but Yoda held up a hand.  

“Powerful he is, and help them--and himself--he can when silence he allows,”  he said simply. 

Yes, she thought. This could be exactly what he needs.


	5. Chapter 5

Anakin loomed over her, yellow eyes flashing pure hate.  “It is you and the Jedi Order that are corrupt and evil!” he snarled, pressing closer, his murderous intent clear.  She tried to scream, but could make no sound. She tried to run, but could not move. As his blue blade slashed through her, she awoke with a start, heart pounding, head throbbing.  

Just another nightmare, she thought, sitting up, head in her hands.  But the feelings it evoked lingered, making her stomach clench. 

_ How could I have been so blind?  How did I let it get to this point?  He was such a selfless child, somehow I ruined that! Where did I go wrong?  I never should have insisted on training him, how could I possibly have thought I was good enough to teach the Chosen One?  And how am I supposed to help him back to the Light? I’m no mind healer. Damn Qui Gon for dying, for asking me to train Anakin in the first place, when I wasn’t ready, when I wasn’t the right person for the job! I’ve failed Anakin and I’ve failed the Jedi Order … _

She shook her head as though to chase away her dark thoughts, realizing she was spiraling down into self doubt and guilt again. Neither of those things would help Anakin or the Order.  It was NOT too late. She had to pull herself together. Knowing she probably wouldn’t sleep again that night, she pulled her legs under her, cleared her mind the best she could, and sank into meditation. 

 

**********

 

Anakin sat at the helm of a beat-up old Corellian freighter that Quinlan Vos had somehow conjured up.  A ship that couldn’t be traced back to the Jedi, he had learned. Obi Wan appeared to be taking no chances with anyone knowing where they were going. She had asked Plo Koon to mentor Ahsoka while they were gone, telling them merely that she and Anakin were being sent on a highly sensitive undercover mission.  And she hadn’t even let him say anything more than goodbye to Padme on a holo call. She made sure of it by lurking in the background while he placed the call.

He glanced to the doorway as Obi Wan entered the cockpit. She’d pulled her long hair into a severe bun at the back of her head.  She liked to think of it as her no nonsense look, but to Anakin it merely emphasized her high cheekbones and strong jaw. He slid his eyes back to the viewport.

“Can you tell me where we’re going now?” he asked, more plaintively than he intended. 

“It’s called Na’asho’ii,” she said, and gave him the coordinates. She took a seat next to him and filled him in on the little bit she had learned about the planet and its inhabitants. 

“It’s a small planet, and fairly primitive. They don’t use technology, at any rate, though I don’t know whether that’s by choice or not. They don’t speak Basic, and again, I don’t know if that’s by choice or whether they’re not able to. They’re not human, the reports say their appearance is reptilian. And they have a very symbiotic relationship with the land and the planet itself. They appear to be quite spiritual,” she told him.

“What exactly am I supposed to be doing for them?” Anakin asked.  His nervousness was now tinged with annoyance and flares of alarm. “I don’t like leaving you to face the Seppies on your own, Master!” 

She gave him a measuring look, and he squirmed like an initiate. 

“They need help Anakin, and you need to take some time away from the War and the pressures you have been under, and deal more fully with your grief and remorse. Plus, I’m not leaving right away.” She smiled at him gently, and added,  “Don’t you worry about me, it’s my job to worry about you.”

Her smile faded a bit, and she said, “I don’t exactly know what kind of help they need, just that they have some sort of contagion.  We will learn more when we land.”

“Do they know we are coming, Master?  How did they ask for help if they have no technology?” he asked. 

“I didn’t say they had no technology, just that they don’t use it. I have no idea if they have any or not. And to be honest, I don’t know how they got in touch, or with who.  You know how mysterious Master Yoda can be,” she said, smile widening again. “Even when you ask for clarification his responses are cryptic.” 

Anakin nodded appreciatively.  Sometimes he thought Obi Wan was mysterious, but she had nothing on Master Yoda. 

 

*******

 

As they exited hyperspace, Anakin studied the planet with interest, noting the many shades of brown and red and dusty green. He wondered what it would be like. He wasn’t sure how long they would be there, but he knew it would probably be awhile.  He was grateful to his Master-- _ Obi Wan _ \--for giving him this second chance. And Yoda too, he supposed, but right now he wanted to credit everything good to Obi Wan.  Despite everything he had done, everything he had told her, she had not abandoned him. He had been sure that she would. He would have deserved it if she had. But he couldn’t have borne it.

Before he had talked to her he had felt like he was drowning, getting sucked under by his guilt and anger and misery, all compounded by the war.  The Krayt Dragon that lived within him was getting louder, was consuming him whole it felt like some days. 

But now… now he had a path forward. Somewhere along the way his unshakeable belief in Obi Wan had been tainted by resentment and a growing emotional distance.  Yet he loved her too, and when he was finally able to screw up enough courage to tell her what he had done... she had given him a lifeline to grab onto. He would never be able to make it up to her, but he was going to try.  

He piloted the craft toward where the readings showed a gathering of lifeforms, and found an empty spot to land the ship.  As they disembarked it appeared they already had an audience, and more beings were arriving.They stood maybe a meter and a half tall, if that, and looked for all the galaxy like the greenish-gray collared lizards that proliferated in Mos Espa. They wore loose-fitting robes with hoods, in varying natural shades that he assumed came from the dyes of local plants.

Anakin looked past their welcome committee and out at the surrounding landscape.  He wrinkled his nose when he realized they were in a desert. He could see canyons and buttes and sandstone stretching out for kilometers. Not quite as bad as Tatooine, though, he thought to himself; they were in an area of scrubby grasslands and succulents, which was more plant life than Tatooine boasted.  There was even a cluster of low trees in the distance, which was probably meant a water source.

The sun beat down upon them mercilessly and he drew up his hood to block it. He felt his anxiety rising and tried to release it to the Force as he had been doing daily with Obi Wan since his confession. Then he shifted uncomfortably and wondered why no one was talking. Obi Wan stood beside him, motionless but serene. He sensed her reaching out with the Force, and so he did as well, and was surprised at the gentle hum he encountered from the planet itself.  

Finally, she bowed, Anakin matching her movements, and then all the lizard people--Na’asho’iians?--bowed as well, almost in unison. She cast her intent of peace and help into the currents of the Force swirling around them as she spoke. “We are Jedi. We have come to help.”

Excited chatter rose up around them for a moment, before trailing off again into silence. The locals understood, though whether they understood Basic or caught her intent in the Force was unclear. One local stepped forward, bowed low, and spoke, his words completely undecipherable to Anakin. However, when he touched the Force again, he realized that now the Na’asho’iian’s intent was there as well. It felt a lot like gratitude and excitement. 

The locals turned and walked away, inviting Anakin and Obi Wan to follow them. Obi Wan gave him a quick smile, and he fell in beside her. 

“Did you understand what they said?” he asked.  

“Not their words, though they sound somewhat similar to a language I’ve encountered before. No, the planet is strong in the Force, as you noticed. I believe we can communicate that way as we learn their language,” she said.

Anakin felt a momentary surge of jealousy, and quickly shook it off--why would he be jealous?  He almost squashed it down as unworthy, but part of his “recovery,” as Obi Wan called it, was to not repress his feelings, or let them run rampant, but to examine them.  So he did. “Miss Know-It-All,” he finally said.

She turned toward him and raised an eyebrow. “I beg your pardon?”

“Miss Know-It-All,” he repeated, savoring the idea.  That’s what was bothering him. Why did she always seem to know everything?  It was annoying. Couldn’t she be bad at something? Couldn’t she be flawed like he was? “You recognize their language. You know you can communicate with them in the Force.  How do you know these things?”

He caught a twinkle in her eye.  “I have been to many planets, Anakin, and I do a lot of reading.  You might want to read more. Something besides your podracing mags,” she said. He nudged her with his shoulder, gratitude suffusing their bond.  She was teasing him. That was a good sign. She had been tiptoeing around him like he was going to blow. And to be honest, sometimes he felt like he was.  But if she could treat him normally, then maybe he could start to believe he could put everything back together.

They followed the locals into a circular area surrounded by large stone blocks. Everyone lined up along the inside of the circle, facing the center, where the Na’asho’iian who had spoken--clearly the leader--took a seat. His voice rose and fell in what sounded like a chant, the cadence soothing. The listeners hummed in words at certain points, everyone’s hands and arms rising and lowering at key points. And then everyone fell silent, heads lowered, eyes closed. Anakin lowered his head too, and when he closed his eyes he could feel the currents of the planet flowing around and through him.  It wasn’t the cacophony he usually experienced, so he opened himself up a bit further. The Force was calm here, but there was a warning twang…he tried to track it down, but it was elusive and seemed to dissipate before him.

Had he imagined it? Maybe it was related to the contagion. He opened his eyes, but everyone was still sitting there without speaking, eyes closed. He sat silently for a moment, but began fidgeting. He didn’t like silence, silence was just a doorway to the many nightmares that lived in his mind. Because when he was really quiet, then he replayed the day his mother died, and his response--and sometimes he thought he didn’t deserve to live. Or maybe he didn’t deserve to die.

He felt like he was going to jump out of his skin.  He looked around at the locals--he knew they could speak, he had heard them.  Why weren’t they saying anything? Were they waiting for him or Obi Wan to talk?  Just as he was about to open his mouth to say something,  _ anything _ , Obi Wan reached out to him through their bond. 

_ <<Peace Anakin.>> _


	6. Chapter 6

Obi Wan sent him warmth and comfort through their bond, settling his nerves, taking off the rough edges.  She had known she’d need to stay with him for awhile at least, to get him settled in and on the right path, but now she was starting to wonder if she’d be able to leave him at all.  And whether that would even be an option with the War raging through the galaxy.

Sufficient unto the day, she decided.  She put out a hand on Anakin’s forearm to ground him. 

They remained that way for indeterminate amount of time. Linked together, she felt Anakin calm down and float into the Force with her, touching the people of the village, a colony of insects building a nest, birds soaring overhead on a hunting mission, the river twisting over the rocks… They emerged slowly from meditation when they sensed the Na’asho’iians doing so.

The leader stood up, and everyone else followed suit.  Obi Wan guessed he was a male; the females were noticeably smaller. He bowed to Obi Wan and Anakin, and gestured at them to follow him, so they did.  He led them from their stone circle into the village proper, with circular wood and stone buildings laid out on a grid pattern; and past that to an open area with a low, semi-open building of woven grass held up on poles, covering rows of beds that lay low to the ground. This must be their version of a hospital, thought Obi Wan, and she wondered if it had been set up recently.  The shade coverings weren’t as faded as you would expect if they were there long term. Just over 20 over people lay in the beds, some of them children. Obi Wan drifted to the nearest bed and knelt down next to it, Anakin hovering behind her. The affected Na’asho’iian was grayer than the other villagers she had met. Obi Wan knew nothing of their physiognomy, but rested a hand on their forehead and sank into the Force. There she could feel the pain and heat.  She siphoned off what she could but was unable to find a source.

She opened her eyes and looked at Anakin, who knelt down beside her. He touched the person’s hand, and followed the currents of the Force. Through their bond Obi Wan sensed his surprise and confusion, then a push of healing energy.  When he opened his eyes, he looked at Obi Wan excitedly. 

“Did you sense it?” he asked.  

“Sense what?” she asked.  “I felt their pain and what might be a fever, but I couldn’t find the cause.”

“No...there’s something else.  Something elusive. I couldn’t pin it down.  It’s the same thing I sensed while we were meditating at their stone circle,” he told her.  She could feel his enthusiasm and his frustration humming below the surface, and laid a hand on his arm. Touch seemed to calm him more than anything.

“Your connection to the Living Force is truly remarkable,” she said, smiling at him warmly, and he slowly smiled back. “We just need to figure out what it is you are sensing.”

She turned to the leader, who was standing nearby, watching them intently.  

“My name is Obi Wan,” she said, touching her chest.  She pointed to Anakin. “Anakin,” she said. She held her finger out toward his chest.  “Your name?” she asked.

“Hatalii,” he said. He pointed to the person lying on the bed.  “Ajei.” Then he said something else, and Obi Wan got the impression this was a relative.  She nodded. 

She and Anakin moved on to another bed.  This time she asked to join him in the Force, to see what it was he was seeing. As he had said, it was elusive, and she had the impression it was...foreign?  She wasn’t sure that even made sense. But now that she knew how to look for it, she could help him track it. They visited everyone there, taking away the pain and sending in healing waves from the Force. When all the patients fell into a calm sleep and seemed more peaceful, they left the tent area and turned to Hatalii.

He said something and gestured to them to follow him, so they fell in behind him again. He took them to a hut, where he bowed low and ushered them inside. The interior was cool and dark, and the ceiling low. Anakin had to duck his head to get in. There was a small table, some bowls and pots, and several pallets rolled up on the side of one wall.

“I believe this is where we’ll be sleeping,” Anakin said, looking around him with interest. “Do you think this is some sort of guest quarters, or did someone move out to make room for us?”

“I have no idea...but if I had to guess I’d say probably someone moved out. I had thought we could sleep on the ship, but this is better.” What she didn’t say was that there was a good likelihood she was going to have to leave with the ship, and Anakin was going to have to stay here.

They went back to the ship to pick up their rucksacks, which they deposited in the hut.  Then they joined the rest of the villagers who were sitting in an open area among the huts, where communal meal preparation was taking place over an open fire. Anakin and Obi Wan watched with interest, while the villagers all stared at them when they thought they weren’t looking.  There was some conversation, but many periods of comfortable silence as they worked in harmony. 

The end result was a hearty stew of meat and vegetables, eaten with some flat bread; and with the sun going down the warm meal was welcome. The village was small, and with so many sick, Obi Wan suspected they might need help in running things. So she paid close attention to how the villagers did things, and asked through arm gestures to help clean up.  They would not allow that, but they did allow them to come to the river where they washed up. 

They were shooed away when they tried to assist, so she and Anakin sat on a rock nearby and watched. 

“We’re their guests for now, but I think we’ll need to pitch in.  It’s not a large village and at least a tenth of them have been affected by the contagion,” she said.

He nodded. “Maybe we can meditate together later, Master, and see if we can find out what has affected them.”

She probed their bond and felt his desire to tackle the problem and conclude the mission quickly.  Not so fast, she thought to herself. She also sensed his fatigue.

“Not tonight, Anakin.  I think just a light meditation, and then we’ll call it a night.  I don’t think we’ll be able to find the answer to this puzzle without at least a good night’s sleep.” She stood up and smiled down at him.  “Come along. I think they’re just finishing up the dishes, we can head back now.”

They went by the river to wash up, then returned to their hut.  They bowed low and repeated the words that the villages said to them.  She assumed it was some version of good night. It was a difficult language, full of gutturals, but a few words were sounding familiar.

Everyone was heading to their huts.  It was time for bed. Obi Wan was tired, but knew she would not be able to sleep yet. She looked over at Anakin.

“Care for a walk?” she asked.  

“Yes!” He sounded grateful.  She knew he was having trouble sleeping.  Some exercise and fresh air would help with that.  Plus a meditation session, because it was time. He wasn’t enjoying meditation much at the moment either, but that was irrelevant.  She should have sat down on him harder when he was still a padawan and made sure he was meditating successfully. He felt everything so strongly, possibly because of his intense connection to the Force; who knew whether that created his anxiety, or his anxiety fed off of it.  Or some combination therein. Either way, she was absolutely determined to help him channel it this time.

As they headed outside of the village, Obi Wan turned to Anakin.  “Where would you like to go?”

He cocked his head to the side and closed his eyes.  Then he opened them again, and pointed. “That way,” he said.  It was a plateau with buttes appearing in the middle distance. The two moons cast a silvery glow over the landscape, giving it an otherworldly air.  The jedi walked in silence till they came to a rock outcropping that Anakin immediately shimmied up, Obi Wan following closely behind. Their height gave them a nice vantage point. As they looked out at the landscape, Anakin gave a contented sigh.

“It’s beautiful here, isn’t it,” he said.  “And calm. Even the Force is calm.”

Obi Wan thought about that for a moment.  “I know the Force isn’t often calm for you,” she said.

“No,” Anakin replied decisively.  “It’s loud, it’s demanding, there are so many parts and pieces and lives announcing themselves, crying out for attention.”  He put his head in his hands. “It’s hard to think straight sometimes.”

She scooted closer to him and put her arm around him.  Which was kind of hard, because he was a lot bigger than her.  Still, he nestled in, and put his head on her shoulder. They sat there quietly for a long time, watching the moons and stars, listening to the slight breeze tickling the low brush.  For once he wasn’t eager to break the silence, though she could feel pulses of his emotions through their bond. 

She felt his surge of grief, and then it was released.  Then the desire to get up and DO SOMETHING, but that was released as well.  “You’re doing well being still, Anakin,” Obi Wan eventually said, shifting a bit to get a more comfortable position.

“Mmmm,” he hummed agreeably.  He seemed disinclined to move.

Eventually they heard hooves, and before long they saw a herd of large quadruped beasts following the river below them.  

“Heffalumps,” said Anakin, as he watched them drinking.

“What?”  Obi Wan looked at him, perplexed.

“Heffalumps.  In this light and at this distance, you can’t see their eyes or mouths.  Like when Pooh got his head stuck in the honey jar, and Piglet thought he was the heffalump they were trying to catch.”

Obi Wan just stared at him for a moment, then she pressed her lips tight and scrunched up her face, her shoulders shaking.  Tears streamed from her eyes.

“What’s wrong Obi Wan?  Are you okay?! Are you choking?!” he bellowed, grabbing her by the shoulders, and scaring the animals, who picked up the pace on their walk along the water. But she just shook her head no, before gasping for air.  Then he saw her face in the moonlight and realized she was  _ laughing _ . He joined in with a weak chuckle of his own.  

“A heffalump! You are the best, did you know that?” she wiped the tears from her eyes and composed herself.  “Haha! Yeesh. Their heads do kind of look like jars, don’t they. I can’t believe you remembered that book. That’s what I was using to help you learn to read Basic when you first came to the Temple!”

“And that’s why I remembered it,” he said simply, and their affection suffused the bond and spread out into the Force itself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sort of just a fluffy chapter. And yes, the Heffalump is from Winnie the Pooh.


	7. Chapter 7

They shared a light, guided meditation while up on their butte, before heading back to the hut.  Desert nights were cold, and they placed their pallets close together for warmth. She had let him sleep next to her ever since his confession, and it was keeping the nightmares at bay.  When he asked why she let him--after all those years of fostering independence and preaching against attachment--she merely said he needed to be well rested to have a clear mind. 

He was sure he’d sleep well.  It had been a nice day, and Obi Wan had told him he was the best, and he had made her laugh.

Instead, he had a nightmare. It was one of the worst ones yet.

_ His mother had died, in his arms, and he was going to make those responsible pay. But when he left the tent, bent on revenge, he was on some sort of lava field. Padme was there, she was shouting, she was crying.  “You’re going down a path I can’t follow,” she pleaded. He knew she had betrayed him, and he was angry, so angry… he choked her with the Force and she scrabbled at her neck, desperate for air. Then Obi Wan was there, and he tossed Padme’s lifeless body aside. He wanted to let Obi Wan go, but no, she was going to put duty first, she had betrayed him too, he couldn’t allow that, and he drew his lightsaber on her.  They fought, and clashed, and then he stabbed her, just like Qui Gon had been stabbed. As the light faded from her eyes she said, “You were my brother Anakin, I loved you…” _

He woke himself up screaming.  

“Anakin?  Anakin?” Obi Wan was there, beside him, very much alive.  He grabbed hold of her, buried his face in her hair, and keened wildly.  She was alive! It was just a dream. Which meant Padme was alive. He wouldn’t let it come true...

“Shh, shh,” she was rubbing his back, holding him, just like when he was a child.  “It’s okay, it was a nightmare, it’s okay, I’m right here, everything’s okay, shhh, shhh…”

Eventually he got his wild grief under control, but he didn’t let go.  She was his. Padme was his. He wouldn’t let them die. He wouldn’t let them leave him. But they hadn’t just died... _ he _ had killed them, because they had betrayed him... Why had they turned on him? This didn’t feel like just a dream. It felt like the dreams of his mother’s death. He trembled. 

They sat there quietly for a long time, nestled against each other, Obi Wan holding him and stroking his hair.  Eventually she scooted around to face him, took him by the shoulders, and held him at arm’s length. She met his eyes.  

“Anakin?” she asked.  

He shuddered.  She was going to want to know what he dreamed; she was going to make him talk about his feelings. Since his confession she’d become more stubborn than a gundark hot on the trail of a delicious jedi. 

“I...I…” He took a deep breath, but dropped his eyes. He may as well get it over with, but he didn’t have to look at her while he did it. “I dreamed that my mother...that she died. Again. Then it switched from Tatooine to some place with volcanoes? Or lava, anyway. Padme...Padme was yelling at me, she betrayed me! And I...I choked her. And she died.” He gulped and was silent for a moment, trying to push the image away, gathering the courage to continue.  Obi Wan was silent too, waiting.

“And then you. You had turned against me too, so I stabbed you and killed you...like Qui Gon.” His tears had picked up again at this point, and mingled with the snot dripping from his nose.  He wiped it away angrily with his sleeve.

“Why would you and Padme turn against me?!” he cried. 

Obi Wan watched him, still silent, face an impassive mask. The Negotiator looking for her words.

“I don’t know, Anakin,” she finally said.  “Why  _ would _ I turn against you?”

“You were jealous! You were jealous of my power!” he spat out, then regretted the words as they hung there, heavy, in the lengthening silence. “I...I don’t know.” A small corner of his mind whispered that he must have done something horrible to turn both Padme and Obi Wan against him, but he smothered it ruthlessly. 

“Was this a dream like the ones you had about your mom?” she asked

Anakin nodded, still not looking up, but grabbing ahold of her braid and running his fingers along the tip.

She was quiet again.  “So it could be prophetic.  You killed us both. Why?’

“I don’t know!” he wailed, removing the tie and releasing the strands of hair. “You were against me! But I would never kill you, I want to protect you! I can’t live without either of you!” His emotions seesawed wildly between grief and anger.

She leaned forward and tucked his head back against her shoulder. 

“Oh Anakin,” she finally said, voice hoarse.  “I do have a fairly simple solution.”

“What?” he asked, voice muffled by her sleep shirt.

“Don’t do it.  If you’re presented with an opportunity to kill either of us, don’t do it.”  He wrapped a chunk of her hair around his finger and tugged on it in displeasure. She sighed.  “I’m not teasing you Anakin. How about this--don’t go down a path where you think you have to kill us!  Keep making the choices, all along, every time you have a choice, to do the right thing, where you help people, where you make things better.”

“I mean, unless we turn into Geonosian worm zombies or something, then you should probably kill us,” she added.

He pulled back at that in surprise and irritation--it wasn’t funny! Why did she always have to joke!-- and saw the small, sad smile on her face that didn’t reach her eyes. She reached out a hand and brushed the tears off his cheeks, then ran her fingers through his hair, detangling some curls. She cupped his cheek with one hand while he rubbed a chunk of her hair between two fingers. 

“Anakin, we all hear the siren call of the dark side at times. No one can decide for us whether to heed it or not, she said, eyes downcast.” She fell silent again for a moment, thinking.

“I can’t speak for Padme, but you know I wouldn’t willingly abandon you,” she said, meeting his gaze and holding it.  “I just subverted the Council and the Senate to bring you here and help you regain your equilibrium. I can feel the goodness in you, the light. You have so much to offer. And I will do everything I can to help you stay in the light.”

He grabbed her close at that point and held her like his life depended on it.  Which maybe it did. Or at least his sanity.

 

***********

 

They didn’t bother trying to go back to sleep. They huddled together till dawn broke and they could hear stirring in the village.  Obi Wan planned on keeping Anakin close that day. His attempts to meditate were ineffective, and he was both surly and clingy. 

They went early to the hospital, but Anakin’s ill temper and lack of focus thwarted their efforts to discover more about the contagion.  Instead, they learned that a new case had cropped up, and several of those already sickened had gotten worse. 

She noticed that the Na’asho’iians were skittish around Anakin that morning.  They had probably heard his screams in the night...and being Force sensitive, they could probably feel the emotions he wasn’t bothering to shield.  

She turned to Hatalii, who was standing near her in the little hospital, noticeably troubled; then she looked over at Anakin who was lingering outside near the fire pit in the village square, staring angrily into the distance.  She gestured to Hatalii to follow her, and she left the shelter of the tent and knelt on the ground. Using her finger, she drew a picture of one of the animals she had seen coming back to the village last night, along with a figure intended to represent the shepherd who had accompanied the flock. She got the idea from Anakin, who had done something similar on their mission to Orto Plutonia.

Her drawing was not nearly as skilled as Anakin’s had been, but Hatalii understood.  “Tlizi,” he said, pointing to the animal. 

“Tlizi,” repeated Obi Wan.  Then she pointed to the shepherd.

“Nilkaadi,” said Hatalii.  Obi Wan nodded. Then she pointed to Anakin.

“Nilkaadi?” she asked.  

Hatalii was sharp.  He nodded, and Obi Wan could sense some relief.  They would be happy to send Anakin out with the animals and get a break from his irritability, which was seeping everywhere...

He looked at Anakin and said something, low, but the only word she caught was chindi.  She wondered what it meant. 

“Anakin!” she called and braced herself as he stalked toward her. He was probably mad at her dream self again, and he was not going to be pleased to be sent away.

When he was close she explained to him that the Na’asho’iians could use some help with the animals, and that he was going to go out with them this morning. As she expected, he kicked up a fuss. 

She sat there patiently while he grumbled that he was an important Jedi Knight, not some damn farmer, and maybe they should just go back to the war where they were needed, but his complaints eventually petered out under Obi Wan’s unwavering gaze and raised eyebrow. 

“Fine!” he grudgingly agreed and ostentatiously turned his back on her while the other shepherds gathered nearby.  What was really beneath the dignity of a Jedi Knight--scratch that, a grown man--was all the sulking, but she chose to ignore it.  For now. Instead she acted as though he had been nothing but courteous. 

“I’ll see you soon, Anakin!” she called sweetly to his retreating form, and then closed her eyes to stop herself from rolling them.  She smiled at Hatalii, and they headed back into the hospital. She needed to clear her mind; there was something she had noticed earlier, and she thought it might have some bearing on what was going on.

************

He thought she should have  _ wanted _ to come with him, but he wasn’t going to ask. He didn’t need her anyway.

“ _ It will give you a chance to think _ ,” Anakin sang in a mocking imitation of Obi Wan, as he spied a bit of shade against a rock outcropping and made his way toward it. 

His guide had showed him the herd, and indicated with gestures where they should stay. Then he wandered out of sight to watch his own herd, leaving Anakin alone with the smallish wooly animals and his thoughts. And those were never pleasant company.  His thoughts, that is. As it turns out the tlizi were kind of friendly and were bumping against his legs.

“Beat it,” he growled, as he settled down in his shade patch.  And then shifted around trying to get more comfortable. Stupid rocky, sandy planet.

He was not interested in thinking about his dream, so he let his mind drift back to Obi Wan teaching him to read Basic. That had been humiliating at first, yet another thing that set him and all the other temple brats apart. But she had been nice about it, and he had enjoyed sitting with her and having her help him sound out the words he didn’t know. He had picked it up quickly, as he did everything, and had been kind of sad when their reading sessions stopped; but he’d also been happy because she had been proud of his progress. He always wanted to make her proud of him.

He looked up at that point, out at the grazing animals. They had moved off and were calmly munching and not paying him any attention. He sighed, and wondered what Padme was doing. He wished she were here now. She would make him feel better about that awful dream. She would want to spend time with him. She wouldn’t send him off to do menial chores.  Did she miss him? Did she long for him as he longed for her? Or was she so busy with her duties that she didn’t even notice he was gone? He wondered sometimes if she really loved him, or if it was just the idea of him. And if someone she could be with in the open came along… Someone like Rush Clovis… That idea made his stomach churn. No, she really loved  _ him _ . She said so!  She would NOT leave him. His dream wouldn’t come true.  He wouldn’t let it. She loved him. She said so! And when he got back she would prove it to him! 

A loud bleat managed to break through, to catch his attention, to interrupt his spiral. He noticed that the animals were shuffling around nervously. Even the  _ animals _ were Force sensitive here?  That was just great. He wasn’t able to have any kriffing feelings was he!  Just like the stupid Jedi Temple, where all they ever did was judge him… All the same, he took some calming breaths.  Just be in the moment, just be in the moment, just be in the moment….

Time to think of something else. He dropped into a light meditation, and noticed other clusters of villages as he spread his awareness outward. The planet did not have a large population. Maybe that’s why they were all so blasted quiet, they weren’t used to noise. Or polite conversation, where one person talked and then another answered, instead of sitting around like lumps on a log.   He came crashing back out of the meditation. Booorrrrrring. He knew he should look at the contagion more deeply, but he kind of didn’t want to. He wasn’t sure he cared, not if Obi Wan and Padme were going to turn on him...

The tlizi got restless again.

Rrr!  Okay, he could do this.  Just think about...nature.  Nature was soothing. Except the sun was pretty hot, and there were rocks poking into his butt.  He jumped up and paced. He was not good at sitting still and being quiet. When he wasn’t distracted his thoughts and feelings ricocheted around his head endlessly, competing for attention, without resolution. But he needed to learn.  If he  _ didn’t _ want Padme and Obi Wan to turn against him--if he didn’t want to be a person who killed his wife and his best friend, whispered a voice in the back of his head--he needed to learn to be still, to allow emptiness, to not be scared of his own thoughts. 

Horror vacui, he thought to himself.  That’s what Obi Wan called it. Stupid Obi Wan with her stupid fancy words. A memory rose up, unbidden.

_ “Look at this, Anakin,” Obi Wan said, pulling him closer to one of the seemingly countless paintings hanging on the walls.  He liked spending time with Obi Wan, but he wasn’t always keen on her choice of activities. Today she’d dragged him to an art museum to improve his cultural knowledge. _

_ “See how there’s no empty space left anywhere on the canvas?” she asked. This was true, Anakin noticed.  There were writhing bodies, animals, buildings, decorative flourishes in every square millimeter of the painting.  _

_ “There have been periods throughout history, across the galaxy, where artists filled up every inch of space. Art historians call it horror vacui, fear of empty space.” _

_ “It’s a common emotion among sentients, you know, the fear of emptiness, or what they equate with loneliness.  You see it in our everyday lives too, especially on planets like Coruscant. People will do anything to fill up their inner emptiness,” she explained. _

_ She gave him a knowing look before she moved on to the next painting. _

Anakin sighed, then stood up again and stretched.  He rolled his shoulders and his neck. He could do this. He sat down and reached out in the Force to find Obi Wan.  He supposed it was cheating to use her to calm down, but he had to start somewhere. As long as he didn’t think about how she was going to betray him.  No! That was a dream. Just a dream. She had not betrayed him. She was protecting him. She was protecting him from himself. He was the one who had betrayed her and Padme in the dream. He was the one who had murdered innocents in real life. He wasn’t ready to think it all through yet, but if he couldn’t trust her he couldn’t trust anyone. 

And there she was, warm and golden and solid and dependable. She believed in him. She had chosen him. He flowed with the Force, and released some of his anxieties, and some of his anger. He knew there would be more--there was always more anxiety and more anger, no matter how much he released--but it gained him some much needed space. And then he could feel the Force humming contentedly around him.

Having finally achieved a sustainable meditative state, he floated along for what must have been hours.  There were the other villages, all of them smallish. He wondered if they had been affected by the contagion as well.  They needed to find out. There was a lot of animal life, reptiles, insects, birds, mammals. There was much plant life as well.  Most of the planet was a desert, but there were many different kinds of deserts, and he could sense the differences. There was a nearby pocket of badlands that he wanted to take a closer look at. Perhaps he and Obi Wan could walk that way tonight.

And speaking of Obi Wan, there she was, coming toward him as he resurfaced from meditation. He supposed it must be time to go back to the village.

“Finally!” he said--apparently out loud--because Obi Wan laughed as she came closer.

“You’re impossible, Anakin,” she said, but she sounded fond.  “You’ve only been out here for a couple of hours.”

He was surprised.  Really? It felt a lot longer than that. He noticed with pleasure that she was carrying a rucksack with food, but he wasn’t sure it made up for her abandonment.

He was just opening up his mouth to complain about--well, everything--when she held up a finger.  “No. No talking,” she ordered. “Quiet time.”

He was ready to argue with her about it when she held up her finger again and fixed him with  _ that _ look.  His mouth closed with an audible snap.  His antsiness melted away. 

She sat next to him in the shade, back against the rock face, and looked out at the landscape for a moment, enjoying the view, content in the moment.  He could feel it in their bond. Then she turned to him.

“While we are being quiet, you can think about your behavior,” she said firmly. He squirmed. It felt like her eyes were looking right through him.  “Your sulkiness was better suited to the creche than to a planet that needs our help. Your anger is misplaced--neither Padme nor I have done anything to you. Nor have these villagers.  Your feeling that you are better than a shepherd is hubris. And when you are done thinking about those things, you can consider your dream, and its possible meanings.”

At the feeling of panic that started to emanate from him, she raised her finger again.  “No. Quiet.” And she closed her eyes.

He stared at her in consternation for a moment, then settled in next to her and closed his eyes too. He sought out their bond and intertwined with her.

_ No man is an island entire of itself. Each is a piece of the continent, a part of the main... _

_ When you stop talking you can listen. When you can listen, you can understand. When you can understand, you know what someone else needs. When you help someone else, you help yourself. _

_ When you are quiet you can observe your thoughts. You can see what is weighing you down. You can let it go. _

_ When you are quiet you can find peace in nature. You are part of something greater.  _

_ When you are quiet you can find the courage to stop running from what scares you, and face it. _

He wasn’t sure where these thoughts were coming from. Lessons from the past?  Or was it Obi Wan? Their bond appeared to be growing even stronger since they arrived here. He stopped thinking about the words themselves and instead allowed the meaning to soak in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I borrowed from John Donne's "No Man Is an Island":
> 
> No man is an island entire of itself; every man   
> is a piece of the continent, a part of the main;   
> if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe   
> is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as   
> well as any manner of thy friends or of thine   
> own were; any man's death diminishes me,   
> because I am involved in mankind.   
> And therefore never send to know for whom   
> the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.


	8. Chapter 8

When they emerged from their joint meditation Anakin was in a much better frame of mind. Which was lucky, because Obi Wan was serious about being quiet.  They ate their meal in silence, and spent the rest of the day watching the animals and being aware of their surroundings. Or at least that’s what he imagined Obi Wan was doing.  He did that some too, but mostly he focused on her, to stop himself from fidgeting. He wondered how she managed to be so calm all the time. Maybe she didn’t have any feelings. 

He shook his head.  He’d been a real asshole earlier, and he knew it.  He knew it when he was doing it, but he couldn’t seem to help himself.  Scratch that, sometimes he didn’t want to help himself. If he wasn’t happy, he wanted everyone else to share his misery with him.  He knew it wasn’t the jedi way, but he didn’t appear to be a very good jedi, despite Obi Wan’s efforts. 

And he really did think being a jedi was far more important than being a shepherd, but he knew Obi Wan didn’t agree with that either.  Without someone to raise and tend animals there would be no meat for food, wool for clothing, leather for boots, etc. It was almost like he could hear her in his head.

He sighed. He could feel Obi Wan’s eyes on him, before she looked away again.

As for his dream...well.  Now that he was calmer he was afraid it was only too clear what it might mean.  That if he continued down the path he began with his attack on the Sand People, it could take him to a place where he was in opposition to Padme and Obi Wan.  But that would be the Separatists, and that made no sense. He would never join the Separatists! Ugh, his head was starting to hurt. He flipped his attention back to Obi Wan. He was glad she was here with him.

His guide from earlier came by to let them know it was time to head back, and they rounded up the tlizi and returned them to their pens. As they walked Obi Wan finally spoke.  

“You did well, Anakin.”

He beamed.  “Thank you Master! It was easier when you were there to help me.”

She smiled back at him. “I want to hear what you learned, but let’s talk about it after dinner. For now I want to tell you something about the contagion. I believe it is manufactured.”

That got his attention.  “Manufactured?! But then how did it get here?” He puzzled that out for a moment, then said, half to himself, “Separatists… How did you learn that Master?”

“When we realized this morning that the patients had gotten sicker, and that a new case appeared, I wondered if the changes were related to us. So then I approached it from a different angle in the Force, and saw that it was a constructed entity. And that it has properties that attack midichlorians, which means it’s targeted at Force sensitives.”

Anakin felt his mouth drop open in horror.  Someone was experimenting on Force sensitives? But would Dooku or Ventress do something that could harm themselves as well? “Is it tied to the dark side, Master?” he asked.

“I’m not entirely sure how it works yet, Anakin,” she said.  “That is something we still need to determine. It’s too bad we don’t have lab equipment on our ship, we could perhaps study the Na’asho’iians blood and see what we can see at a microscopic level.  Perhaps it’s some sort of nanotechnology.”

“Couldn’t we call someone to come out here and bring what we need?” he asked, but she was already shaking her head no.

“We don’t want to alert Dooku to our presence here.  Assuming he is behind this. Right now he is just experimenting on them, but I imagine if it suits his purpose he will just invade and kill them all.” She sighed.  “I’m hoping we can simply use the Force to do what we need, but we have to be careful. I suspect our emotions are affecting the contagion; particularly dark emotions. It’s possible that if the Na’asho’iians had a different lifestyle, were less calm and less tied to their environment, that the results could be much more dire.”

Anakin shook his head angrily. Dooku was evil. He would stop him if it was the last thing he did!

Obi Wan stopped abruptly and turned to face him, gripping his forearm.  “No, Anakin,” she admonished him. “You can’t let your anger take over. He will be brought to justice, but we must control our emotions or we will hurt the people here. We need to think about what we’ve learned, meditate, and get some sleep before we return to this problem. To make sure we are calm and clear-eyed.”

He gave a jerky nod and took a deep breath. “I could probably build a microscope, Master.”

She eyed him speculatively. “Excellent, Anakin. We have everything you need in the ship?”

“Probably. Or I can make do. Should be able to make it strong enough to see what we need to see. I’ll run by the ship tonight and take stock. I can even start on it tonight if the parts are easily accessible,” he said. 

She clapped him on the shoulder. She didn’t bother hiding her pride in him. “I’m glad we’re on the same side, I’d hate to go up against you.” 

“You sure would,” he said with a smirk, and Obi Wan rolled her eyes.  

“Don’t trip on your humility, Anakin,” she said, her tone arch but her smile soft.  

He might not be the best Jedi, but he couldn’t say that he hadn’t learned anything from Obi Wan.  Sarcasm was a very good shield for hiding his discomfort and his pleasure. 

They returned the animals to their pens, then went to the river to wash up. That night they helped with meal preparation; sitting alongside the villagers they chopped vegetables and tended the cooking fire. Afterward they helped carry the dishes back to the river to wash and dry. Conversation was minimal, which Anakin didn’t mind for once. He was doing okay with the quiet, his mind running through items he would need for the microscope. When all the chores were done, they sat for awhile around the fire, while a storyteller relayed her tale. He didn’t understand the words, but he could feel the concepts of good and evil, and the gods coming in to help the people defeat the evil.

Afterwards the Na’asho’iians headed to their huts, and Obi Wan started to follow them when Anakin laid a hand on her arm.  She stopped and looked up at him expectantly. Wow. He could feel her thoughts in his head...wasn’t he tired, after his disrupted night.  He shook his head no.

“I thought we could go for a walk again?” he asked, somewhat tentatively.  

“Of course, Anakin,” she responded warmly. “Where would you like to go?’

“There are badlands in an area to the northwest of here.  I thought it might be nice to see them,” he said. “And then I’ll run by the ship and see what I can find for the microscope.”

She nodded. “Badlands by moonlight? Sounds lovely,” she said, and he felt a growing warmth spread through his chest.

They headed out and were walking along peacefully when Obi Wan abruptly halted, and grabbed his arm.  

“Wait Anakin, be careful where you step. This is cryptobiotic soil,” she said, pointing down to the black, crusty-looking ground.

“Crypto… what?” he asked.

“Cryptobiotic soil--don’t step on it, it’s a colony of bacteria that stabilizes the soil and fixes nitrogen and carbon so that plants are able to grow there,” she said.

“Oh.  Yes. There were some areas of this on Tatooine,” he finally said. He looked around and found some rocks where they could walk instead.  Of course she would notice that, even in the dark, and want to preserve it. Thinking of even the smallest forms of life, and their roll in the bigger picture. No man is an island… 

He had an epiphany at that moment. And maybe it shouldn’t have been an epiphany at all. But to Obi Wan, her role in the universe was simply to help, in whatever way she could.  She cared, and she wanted to help, and she was at peace with her place in things. Was this how all jedi felt? All jedi except for him? She was calm  _ because _ she cared, not in spite of it. That felt like an oxymoron to him, but this understanding jibed with her presence in the Force. Of course the war had blasted everyone’s equilibrium to smithereens, but her caring, and desire to help, that had not changed. 

It was not the same for him. He was not at peace with his role.  He cared--too much, possibly, or in the wrong ways--and wanted to make everything go the way he knew it should.  He wanted control, but it felt like the more he reached for it, the more it eluded him. The more it eluded him, the angrier he got. The answer, he thought, was to have power. With power came control. His friendship with the Chancellor had shown him that.

He had a dawning sense that there was an important lesson here, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on what it was.  He was so busy puzzling over this idea that they arrived at the badlands rather sooner than he had expected. Just as well, he decided.  It was only giving him a headache. 

He drank in the desolateness that surrounded them. That was why he liked badlands; there was usually little growing there, which for him meant less noise in the Force, as long as he kept his awareness local. That didn’t seem to hold on this planet though. Here the Force had been soothing so far. It was a welcome respite.

“These are wonderful, Anakin!” Obi Wan exclaimed, getting up close to one of the rock formations.  “Only look at the stripes of colors, marking different geologic periods, showing the way different minerals reacted to air and water! ” She took a few moments, tracing out patterns with her fingers.  Anakin leaned back against one of the rocks, and watched her indulgently. He was happy to have found something that interested her so. 

“There were once lava flows here,” she said, pointing to the darker layer. Anakin shivered, not wanting to think about lava. “And at one point this was a sea or river bed. You can see the fossils of mollusks and plant materials in this layer.”

She walked around for awhile, studying the formations by the light of the moons.  Finally, he decided she’d played around with the rocks long enough. He wanted her attention again. He roused himself and tugged on her hand. They found a relatively flat area to lie down and look up at the stars. 

“Anakin.” Obi Wan turned her head to look at him. She was so close he could see her eyelashes and the smattering of light freckles across the bridge of her nose. Her mood felt melancholy.  “I want to tell you how sorry I am about your mother. I’m sorry she died, especially in such a horrific way, and I’m sorry I told you dreams pass in time. I didn’t know you were having dreams about her dying...but I should have asked more questions.”

Anakin ducked his head. He took Obi Wan’s hand and squeezed it, but turned his face up to the stars so he couldn’t look at her.  He wasn’t sure he trusted himself enough to speak, but eventually he managed a gruff, “Thank you.” It meant a lot to him that she had acknowledged these things, but he was also still resentful. He didn’t know how to articulate his feelings so he said nothing.

They lay in uncomfortable silence for awhile before Obi Wan said, “I’m not sure I recognize any of the constellations here.  Do you?”

As it turned out, he did. Astronavigation had always been one of his strongest subjects.

“Look over there,” he said, brushing the back of his hand against her cheek to get her to look left, and pointing.  “See the five stars clustered near each other? That’s the Molotar’s teeth. And if you look straight down from the one at the end, you’ll find the Taung Warrior.”  

Conversation picked up once more and flowed easily, and even the silences were pleasant. They shared stories of their pasts, and he described his wedding to her, and even talked a little about his childhood with his mom.  She, in turn, told him some stories about her days as an a padawan with Qui Gon. 

Why did he ever think her hard to know? Why would he ever think her cold or unfeeling? But that was a foreign thought, wasn’t it.  Who had said that to him? Oh yes, the Chancellor… Anakin wondered briefly why the Chancellor would say such a thing, then decided it was because he just didn’t know Obi Wan.  He turned his attention back to her; he could sense her fleeting emotions in their expanded bond. And there it was, her care for him and for the villagers and for the clones and for the galaxy at large. And under that was her fatigue.  He stood up, stretched out a hand to her, and helped her to stand. He needed to run by the ship to see what was available for his microscope, and then it was time to sleep.

 

*********

 

The next day they were up again with the sun, as is typical in all agricultural communities. Anakin awoke feeling refreshed. He had stayed up later than Obi Wan, considering lens options to get the right magnification; and when he had fallen asleep he hadn’t dreamed at all.  Or at least he hadn’t remembered any dreams, which suited him just fine. He wondered if they would be shepherds again today, and when he should work on the microscope, and what else Obi Wan had in mind. He packed up the pieces he had gathered into a rucksack, and they headed out.

First stop was the hospital. 

“I need you to examine this contagion with me, Anakin,” Obi Wan explained as they knelt down at the edge of the tent. She held his hand and they eased into the Force. They pinpointed the source of the illness...Obi Wan was right, it wasn’t natural.  It was nanotechnology...the whisper of fear he felt in his heart agitated the contagion, causing pain in the host. He quickly released the fear, and the nanite settled back down. How could it sense his emotions? How had these people come to be infected with these nanites?  Were they in their water supply? Food supply? Airborne? And how had they come to be on this planet?

So many unknowns. Obi Wan and Anakin deepened their awareness.  There, about seven klicks to the south, was a small, manufactured object, so clearly foreign in nature.  Perhaps that was the source. 

They came out of meditation and looked at each other.

“Let’s eat,” said Anakin, “and then I’ll go pick up that thing, whatever it is.” Obi Wan nodded.  They ate quickly, some sort of warm grain mush, and then Obi Wan went to tend to the tlizi while he set out to find the possible source of the contagion.  It was a simple enough trip, and he found the object without trouble. It was spherical, with strange markings, and it wasn’t very big. He put it in his rucksack, and headed back at a light run.  He wasn’t sure why but he had a greater sense of urgency than he’d had since they arrived.

He could feel Obi Wan in the Force.  Always so bright, but today with a troubled air. As he approached he could hear her singing under her breath. This sounded more like a soliloquy than making a joyful noise, he decided. 

_ And they sent him to the wars to be slain, to be slain _

__  
And they sent him to the wars to be slain*  


Grim.  He wondered if she was thinking of him or the clones.  

“Obi Wan,” he said.  Blue eyes flashed up to him, a bit startled.  She really was lost in thought. Beads of sweat glistened at her hairline and above her lip.

“Hi Anakin. What did you find?”

He pulled the satellite out of the bag, and brought it over to her.  Sitting down beside her, they examined it closely, heads bent together. They found a pressurized container that dispersed the contagion, which meant it was airborne. Anakin felt fear surging through his limbs, his heart starting to pound.  If it is airborne that means he or Obi Wan could be affected. 

“Anakin, no,” Obi Wan said faintly, turning the small satellite over in her hands.  “This is Kaminoan design. I wondered… there was something about the nanite that made me think of them.”

“Their services are always on offer to anyone who can pay,” Anakin said slowly. “And Kamino is nearby. They must have launched this here to experiment on the  Na’asho’iians … for money. I guess we were wrong about Dooku. ” 

They gave each other a long look. Anakin felt Obi Wan release a cold thread of fear, and he did the same. 

“Well,” said Obi Wan bracingly, as she stroked her chin.  “Well. They’re not monitoring the planet, or we would have picked them up on our initial scan when we arrived.  That means they probably don’t know we’re here. They will come back by to collect their data at some point, and we need to make sure they don’t find us when they do. I assume this satellite is recording, not transmitting?”

And indeed it was. Anakin crossed a few wires and wiped out the recording. Then he checked it over to make sure there was no back up. “We can put it back where I found it,” he finally said.  “We’ll have to hide our ship--or move it to another planet? We don’t know when they’ll be back.” 

“We may not be wrong about Dooku. Someone commissioned this nanotechnology, and someone gave it properties to attack Force sensitives. That sounds like his fine hand,” she said.

She seemed...off. He could sense it in the Force, could see it in the lines of strain around her mouth.  Maybe the heat was getting to her. He would keep an eye on her. He handed her the bottle of water, and she took a swig gratefully.  “What was it you were singing, Obi Wan?” he asked after a moment.

“Oh. It’s a war protest song from Stewjon. I guess when the idea that this was a Kaminoan product came to me I thought of the clones.”

_ Like rusty old nails, at the bottom of the sea _

_  
Telling no tales, for the good of the Admiralty _

_ You jump when you're told to, through the open door _

_And the King of Stewjon, he’s the man you all died for  
_

“There’s a lot we don’t know about the clones,” she said finally. “The war started so quickly, and then there was no time…”

Anakin nodded vigorously, and gritted his teeth. “It was too convenient, wasn’t it? This ready-made army of slaves, bred to do what they’re told. What do you think is going on with them, Obi Wan?”

She sighed.  “I don’t really know, but I have the strongest feeling we should find out. And I wonder how it’s related to what’s going on here.”

They fell silent at that point, each lost in thought. Anakin could feel Obi Wan progressing linearly through different options, considering them, putting them aside. How did she have such an organized mind? 

No matter. He blocked her out and started his own thought process. It was not nearly as organized, and soon his mind wandered away from the nanites and the Kaminoans altogether, and settled on the clones.  He didn’t know what he’d do without Rex by his side during this hellish war. It had felt like a miracle when the clones had arrived at Geonosis to save the day. Geonosis... where he and Padme had declared their love for each other. Padme had finally been honest about her feelings and agreed to marry him because she thought they were going to die.  But he had known that they would survive. The Force wouldn’t bring them together only to kill them like that. Theirs was a grand, epic love, just as good, if not better, than the love stories on the holodramas. Their wedding--and their honeymoon--had been magical. Everything he could have ever dreamed of… a reminiscent smile crept across his face. Although he did feel kind of bad it had to be a secret.  A secret from Obi Wan. At least she knew now... 

_ He was 13, and he and Obi Wan were assigned to a security detail where they were going to have to participate in state functions, including dancing.  This was not something he was interested in at all, especially after Obi Wan started coaching him on place settings, and who sits down to dinner first, and who is allowed to speak to whom first, and other manner of incredibly boring things. The one part he enjoyed were the dance lessons. _

_ At first he enjoyed them, that is; he liked being in such close contact with her.  But the steps were intricate and confusing somehow, despite his natural grace and affinity for katas.  She dragged him through countless courtly line dances and sedate partner dances, until he was ready to run screaming from the room. _

_ Quinlan Vos rang the bell just as their patience with each other had almost worn out.  Obi Wan opened the door with a decided air of relief, and welcomed him more warmly than usual. They were friends, but sometimes he was too obnoxious for her taste. _

_ He eyed her leggings and tank top with approval, then looked at the furniture pushed back against the walls of the room and laughed.  “Dance lessons?” he asked. “You two look about as happy with each other as Aayla and I did when I had to teach her some fancy-ass dance.”  Obi Wan looked at him disapprovingly, but he ignored her, and flipped the music to another channel. “Why don’t you teach him something more fun, like a samba?” he asked, as he grabbed her hand and whirled her into his arms.   _

_ They began a very rhythmic dance that seemed to require lots of hip movement and close contact.  Anakin felt his stomach--and maybe a region a little farther south--tingling at the sight of the two of them dancing.  Obi Wan laughed, and tossed her hair back, and Vos gave her a look...a look that made Anakin’s tingling feeling turn hot with anger.  Especially when he realized Obi Wan was returning that look...  _

Ugh! Where did that come from?  Was he jealous of Quinlan Vos? Wait a minute…

He turned angrily to Obi Wan, who appeared to be half dozing in the warm sun. 

“I thought you didn’t like men!” he said accusingly, pointing a finger in her face.

She opened her eyes in surprise, batted his finger away, and pinched the bridge of her nose.

“What are you talking about, Anakin?” she asked irritably.  “Why wouldn’t I like men?”

“I mean romantically!” he snarled. “I thought you only liked females!”

“Oh.  That.” Her face was contemplative. “I never said I didn’t like men sexually.” 

“Yes, but the only partners I knew about were females!  Siri, Satine… were you hiding that from me?”

Obi Wan sighed in her best put-upon-master way, but the changes in their bond made him aware of the shifting feelings beneath the facade. She was about to spin him a tale.  And she was worried, and…”

“Why are you nervous?” he asked.  She looked surprised. And in the bond he could feel that his awareness of her emotions made her more nervous.

“Why are you nervous?” he repeated in a softer voice, getting closer. He stared at her intently.  “No, don’t tell me...I can sense it...you were worried about my feelings for you...and yours for me…”

“Stop it Anakin,” she said harshly, looking straight ahead, back stiff. Guilt...now she was feeling guilt.  Overwhelming guilt. And intertwined with it was a prodigious love...how could he have missed that before? It was almost tangible.  Her shields weren’t working very well.

“Don’t shut me out Obi Wan!” he cried, anguish crashing over him.  “My feelings for you...I don’t even understand them sometimes...” 

She looked at him again, her face unreadable and the the bond heavy with so many feelings that they clashed against each other and were undecipherable.  She grabbed his hand and squeezed it, then let go. She looked away again.

Finally, she said, in a low voice, “I know, Anakin. I knew it would be easier for us both if you didn’t think of me in a sexual way. Our bond can be overwhelming enough without that component.” They stared at each other for a long minute.  She seemed to arrive at some sort of decision. Then she took his face gently in her hands and leaned her forehead against his, both of them closing their eyes. She tamped down her emotions, released some, then focused on her love for him...it poured out through their bond, and he luxuriated in it, wallowed in it.  He felt like a tooka let loose in a patch of tookanip, rolling wildly and with abandon. It was one of the most intense experiences he had ever had. 

And then Obi Wan gave a soft sigh and slumped forward, unconscious. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this might veer more toward Obikin, which I didn't originally intend. It kind of depends on what Anakin does, and he is unpredictable.
> 
> *Almost forgot to mention (and this will be true of any poetry or songs I include! I am no lyricist!) I did not write the song, but I did forget to tag it. It's "Jacob's Ladder" by Chumbawumba and was written as a war protest song. I switched the lyrics "King of Norway" to be "King of Stewjon" to suit the story.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anakin tries to figure out the nanites so he can save Obi Wan.

“Obi Wan!  OBI WAN!!” She was burning up with fever, her face grayish. She was infected with the nanites.

In one corner of his mind, Anakin had a moment of sheer, blind panic. The rest of his mind was still calm and soothed by Obi Wan’s love--but he could feel the effects starting to ebb.  She must have done that on purpose, he thought, ignoring the panicked corner of his mind. He must use the space she has given him to stop himself from completely freaking out and acting rashly.  

Breathe in. Breathe out.  

If I panic, I could kill her, he told himself.  He released his panic. He put his head in his hands, her head resting in his lap, and breathed deeply again. If I panic, I will kill her.  If I panic, I will kill her. His heart rate slowed. If I panic, I could kill the villagers who are sick too. He knew how strong his emotions were, and how strong his connection to the Force was.  He would be dangerous to them all if he couldn’t be calm.

He shoved everything he could into the Force.  He took another breath and did it again.

The Kaminoans are not smarter than me.  They’re not smarter than me. I can figure this out. For one hot minute he considered jumping in the ship, flying to Kamino, and slashing and burning until they gave him an antidote.  But that might kill Obi Wan. He couldn’t do anything that would hurt her.

Another breath. More panic, fear, anger pushed into the Force.

When he was finally calmer he lifted her gently to carry her back to the village, then realized he needed that damn satellite too, if he was going to figure out what was going on and how to undo it. He sat back down, cradling her in his lap, and shoved the satellite into the rucksack, careful not to damage any of the microscope parts in there. He cursed himself now for the lack of urgency he’d felt before; they could be further along on their research if they hadn’t been wasting time. He called to the animals through the Force so they would follow him and set off at a rapid pace.

********

 

He brought her to the hospital and placed her gingerly on one of the available beds. He kissed her forehead.  Then he sprinted back to the ship, rucksack thrown over his shoulder, thinking hard.

She must have flooded him with her love because she knew she was about to lose consciousness and didn’t have time to explain it all or argue with him about it.  She knew he needed to be calm. He hoped it hadn’t weakened her to do it. How annoying of her to sacrifice herself, as though she wasn’t more important than anyone else here.  

His heart started pounding harder. It felt like reason was slipping its cogs, lost to panic.  He closed his eyes. He couldn’t afford that. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. His heart rate dropped again. He resumed his line of thought.

Were the nanites weakening her connection to the Force, making her emotions were leak out?  Their bond did feel stronger though...and that had actually started happening before they even reached the planet, hadn’t it.  It was--it was after he started confiding in her. He wanted to smack himself upside the head. He couldn’t bear to think about the possibility of losing her—not once he actually knew, really knew, how much she cared!—so he wouldn’t. He would simply do everything he could to make sure it didn’t happen. 

Deep breaths. 

He very carefully directed all his attention to the microscope and the nanites. He couldn’t afford to let his mind or his emotions wander. Only by focusing on his task could possibly keep all his fears at bay.

One thing at a time. I can do this.  I can do this.

He ran inside the ship, and gently took all his microscope parts, and the satellite, out of the bag, laying them out on the table.  He had piping, different pieces of glass and transparisteel, screws, rubber bands. He had begun grinding the lenses last night, but he knew they weren’t at the right magnification yet.  That was going to take some finessing. He focused on polishing and shaping them to the right curvature, and the right diameter to fit in his piping. He was going to need to extract a nanite soon to test the microscope.  They were harder to find in the Force when they weren’t activated, but he was sure there must still be some in the satellite. He would just concentrate on the dispenser, and see if he could locate one...

Finally, his microscope was ready for testing.  

He concentrated on the satellite, and reached into the Force.  He went deeper and deeper into the inner workings of that satellite, marvelling at the Kaminoans’ ingenuity in construction for a moment till he refocused on the task at hand. Ah yes, there...he found one...he focused on it and moved it up onto his slide. Then he placed a cover over it.  

Karking sith hells!  He was sweating profusely, the strain of everything making him shake.  He took some deep breaths, then looked through the eyepiece. And there it was.  He definitely needed to boost the magnification though, it was just barely visible.  

He went back to work, grinding the lenses, testing them, grinding them some more. Finally, it had the magnification he needed.  He inspected the nanite. It had a very complex structure. He was going to need to view an activated one to compare them, and the best way to get one would be in a blood sample.

Anakin stood up and stretched his arms over his head, then rolled his shoulders.  His back popped. He must have been hunched over that microscope for awhile. He went hunting around the ship, looking for a first aid kit. 

Of course it wasn’t where he first looked--when was anything, ever?--but finally he found it tucked away in a drawer.  And even better, it contained several needles and glass vials.Thank goodness. The ship was a clunker and had definitely seen better days; he wasn’t sure it would still have a first aid kit, much less the equipment he needed in it.

Anakin was surprised to see it was dark when he emerged from the ship.  How long had he been in there? The fire was out and everyone was in their huts.  He hurried to the hospital tent.

The light from the two moons was enough to let him see what he was doing.  He extracted a blood sample from Obi Wan first, then from Hatalii’s relative.  Ajei? Yes, that was her name. 

He resolutely avoided looking at Obi Wan during this procedure, or even touching their bond. He was afraid if she looked sicker it would unleash his barely restrained panic.  Carefully stowing away the samples, he hurried back to the ship.

He examined Obi Wan’s blood first.  Oh wow. There were lots of nanites in there, attached to midichlorians.  They were obviously able to reproduce somehow, there were so many of them. They looked a lot different when they were activated.

Then he took a look at Ajei’s blood.  She did not have as many nanites, presumably because her midichlorian count was lower.  She also had been conscious when they arrived. Was she unconscious now, or was she asleep?  

He switched back to Obi Wan’s sample, to examine how the nanites were constructed. That was a frustrating process.  He was far from an expert in nanotechnology, and wasn’t entirely sure what he was looking at. He closed his eyes and leaned back against the ship’s wall to think.  He may have dozed off for a moment, when an answer came to him and he bolted upright. He didn’t need to know how they were constructed, exactly...especially now that he knew what they looked like. He didn’t have to take them apart by hand anyway, he definitely didn’t have the equipment for that. No, now he needed to look at them in the Force.  Maybe he should meditate first, to clear his mind.

He hated the feeling that he was wasting time, but in this instance he knew that haste makes waste.  So he settled himself into the traditional meditative pose, and sank into the Force. Thank goodness he’d been practicing this so much lately. Thank goodness he’d had space from the War to clear his mind of some negative thoughts. Thank goodness he’d had this time with Obi Wan. He supposed his earlier time on the planet wasn’t wasted after all.

Ah, Obi Wan. He allowed himself to touch their bond, their incredibly strong bond. It was threaded through now with gentle tendrils of love. He suspected they had been there for years, but he was only now opening his mind enough to see them. To admit to himself that the daily actions of care over many years were just as essential as, or maybe more essential than, grand, dramatic gestures and declarations. He felt a faint stir of irritation that he had let the Chancellor’s words exacerbate his natural resentment toward an authority figure. He pushed that aside. He didn’t have time to think about Palpatine right now.

He slid his mind past their bond and reached for the nanites.  They felt like prisons, encasing the midichlorians, locking them down.  Into submission? It didn’t seem like they were being destroyed. Interesting.  What was going on?

He remembered then how they reacted to anger and dark emotions.  Was he going to have to touch the dark side?? He shied away from that idea, emerging abruptly from his meditation, palms sweating, mouth dry. Oh no.  No no no no. Yoda always said once you start on the path to the dark side, forever would it dominate your destiny! He didn’t want it to dominate his destiny! He’d already touched the dark side and couldn’t afford more touching!

Which was sort of a funny way of thinking about it...

Ugh, him and his undisciplined mind! Focus!

And then Anakin remembered Mortis, and how he had been able to bring the Sister and the Brother to heel.  What if...what if he could balance the two? What if he could use the dark side, but not become a darksider?  

But how? He felt wrung out, incapable of anything more. Who was he kidding anyway, he wasn’t smart enough to figure this out. Obi Wan was going to die and it was all his fault and he wasn’t good enough to save her.

And just at this moment, he heard a light tapping at the entrance to the ship.  Getting up lethargically, he opened it and found Hatalii on the other side...with a bowl of stew. Behind him the sun was sinking in the west.  Anakin stared blankly. Had it been a whole ‘nother day? He sighed, then took the offered bowl and gestured to Hatalii that he would follow him.  He needed to eat, and to sleep, before his emotions and thoughts started circling the drain. It was time to let his good old subconscious have a crack at the problem. Sometimes he thought his subconscious was a lot smarter than his regular conscious.

So he sat with the  Na’asho’iians, and ate ravenously.  Hatalii was a lifesaver. He hadn’t realized how hungry he was, though after one bowl he stopped, suddenly queasy with nerves again. And now that he had eaten, he realized how exhausted he was too. 

He stood up and joined the others taking their bowls to the communal basket used to carry them to the river for washing. Then the villagers resumed their seats with an expectant air.

A performance of some sort, thought Anakin tiredly.  He wasn’t really in the mood for that tonight, and was about to sneak away when Hatalii came to stand directly before him. He said something that of course Anakin couldn’t understand, but when he paid attention to the Force he found the meaning.  They were doing a healing (bad spirits? It wasn’t entirely clear) ceremony for him.

Couldn’t leave then, despite his impatience.  He bared his teeth in what he hoped was an approximation of a smile. Obi Wan would have been proud. Maybe. At least he was trying! 

Hopefully this wouldn’t take long. His eyelids were starting to droop.

While Hatalii and some of the other males began a chant, a small group of females ground up some food together in a large bowl.  They brought it to the center of the circle, the chanting growing louder and then changing slightly. Others joined in, and they began chanting and dancing together around the fire, before moving to circle him.  They placed the bowl within the fire. Then Hatalii picked up another bowl, with a powder in it--dirt? Paint?--and approached him. He ran one line on each of Anakin’s cheeks, and one from his forehead down his nose.  

And, somehow, he understood what they said:

 

_ With the force before me, I walk. _

 

When they were done he stood up and bowed low.  He felt amazingly...clear. There really wasn’t a better way to describe it.

“Thank you,” he said simply.

They bowed as well.  “ Ya at eeh .”

Without conscious thought he sought out the medical tent, and Obi Wan.  He sat beside her for a moment. This time he felt able to look at her without completely losing it. Even ill, she was far more beautiful than was good for her.  He yanked over a cot, shoved it right beside hers, turned her gently on her side, and spooned her, pulling the blanket up to cover them both. He would have tried to get into her cot, but it was barely big enough for one human, much less two. In search of comfort, he put his hand on her stomach, under her shirt, wanting to feel her warmth. He had a momentary sense of shock at this kind of intimacy, but it was quickly washed away in his extreme fatigue. 

 

_ He is in a large reactor room, with energy fields at even intervals along the pathway. He is fighting beside a man, a large man, and they are acting together to combat...Maul? He takes a moment to look at the man beside him, and almost falls off the platform when he realizes it is Qui Gon Jinn.  Sweet mother of the Force. He must be in Obi Wan’s dream. Or nightmare, more likely.  _

_ And so he fights, as her, using Ataru, which is odd to him. She—he?— is a good fighter, but not as strong as she is now. She is scared--he is scared. Her feelings are his feelings.  He is scared because he both knows and doesn’t know what Maul is. He is scared because he both knows and doesn’t know what is coming. And even with what he knows, he doesn’t know how to stop it.  _

_ And then he is kicked off the ledge, and by the time he climbs back up, he is separated from Qui Gon, and knows he can’t reach him in time. He watches helplessly as Maul stabs Qui Gon, and he is shocked by the intense surge of rage and hatred that wells up within him. And he rushes forward, empowered by his anger, and he attacks Maul with all his considerable might.  _

_ The anger, though, has taken his focus, and without his focus, he is weaker. Maul knocks him over again, and he knows with certainty that if he doesn’t pull himself together he and Qui Gon and Padme and Anakin and everyone else is going to die.  He takes a breath, he centers himself in the Force, he regains his calm and with it his focus. And he knows just what to do. He leaps out of the pit, somersaulting over Maul’s head and calling Qui Gon’s lightsaber to him, using his momentum to slash down on Maul and bisect him.  Maul sails over the edge of the pit, a look of astonishment on his face.  _

Anakin woke up panting, shaken.  It took a moment for him to get his bearings.  He was in the hospital tent, on the cot, in the same position he’d fallen asleep in--spooning Obi Wan, his hand on her stomach.  He closed his eyes and caught his breath. That had been...intense. And horrible. And...enlightening? He hadn’t realized she’d been so angry when she’d fought Maul, so full of doubt. That she had pulled on the dark side, even if it was briefly. How she’d pulled herself back...it was possible to touch darkness and come back.   

He himself had done it. And even someone as good as Obi Wan had touched the dark side, and she was obviously still in the light….

He leaped off the cot and ran for the ship.  He knew what he needed to do. 

 

*****

 

Well, knowing what he needed to do and actually being able to do it were two different things.  He was  _ this close _ from banging his head on the table, but he knew he could do it.  He knew he had to do it, at any rate, and he was certainly motivated to figure it out or die trying.

Anakin was calling on his anger and fear to interact with the nanites, but each time he did it, they exploded.  Luckily they’d been small, and he’d been able to contain them with the Force, but that would be bad news if he activated more than one at a time.  He shivered.

What he needed was control.  What he didn’t have a lot of was control, especially as each attempt failed.  His fear was making control even harder to come by. Maybe meditation would help.

He sank into a light meditation. The ceremony from the night before came back to him, the calm and the clarity that it brought weaving through him. He followed the trail, and found that he could have control after all. All he had to do was set aside his fear. 

He controlled his emotions, they didn’t control him.  He controlled his emotions, they didn’t control him. He controlled his emotions, they didn’t control him...

And he imagined control as something tangible...a transparisteel wall. His understanding shifted. Oh. So that’s what Obi Wan had meant about controlling your emotions. That felt...good. He still had the emotions, that hadn’t changed. He could even see them. All his overwhelming fears, doubts, anger, pain, even love… But he was able to contain them. He didn’t know that this was something he could maintain, but now he knew what it felt like. Maybe he could achieve it again, in less dire circumstances.

She wasn’t going to believe all the meditating he’d been doing. He couldn’t wait to tell her. 

When he came out of his meditation he reached out for one of the nanites from Obi Wan’s blood sample that he’d separated out. He used the light side to neutralize and stabilize the nanite. Control. He controlled the nanite. Ignoring the sweat trickling down his face, he carefully reached out with the dark side. Sith markings were illuminated briefly before it began vibrating violently. Held fast by the light side, it was unable to expand; finally it sputtered out, dead. Not just deactivated, dead! It detached from the midichlorian.

Anakin opened his eyes. His hands were shaking and his limbs felt like lead. He dragged himself to a bunk and lay there, blinking slowly, until the shaking subsided.

He’d done it. He’d done it! Could he do it on a larger scale? Of course he could. He had to. But maybe just a little rest first. Anakin wasn’t even sure how many days had passed since Obi Wan had fallen ill, he had completely lost track of time. He was definitely exhausted though, between his worry, lack of sleep, and completely weird use of the Force. Maybe he could close his eyes just for a minute...

When he woke up he felt a million times better and a million times worse. How could he sleep when he was so close to making Obi Wan better??

He hauled himself off the bunk and out of the ship, and headed straight for the hospital. Time to prove he was the Chosen One. Not that he believed that nonsense, but sometimes he believed that nonsense. He sure hoped it was true now anyway. Anything that would give him an edge. 

He rushed to Obi Wan’s cot. He stopped, and lightly caressed her cheek. She looked so still. Then he began turning toward Ajei when he froze, horrified.

He intended to try out his experiment on one of the villagers—and why not, there were so many of them and only one Obi Wan—but he knew she wouldn’t accept that. She would say he should experiment on her. He sank down beside her, head in his hands. Even the Force told him that was right, but… but...what if it went wrong? 

He couldn’t live with that. Why in the galaxy would the Force tell him that was right??

No. He refused to accept that. He was going to start with a  Na’asho’iian . It was his fault she was even here. There was no way he was taking the risk of blowing her up! And if he killed her he was going to eat his lightsaber anyway, and then everyone would be karked!

Okay, he was definitely starting with a villager. But Obi Wan would be disappointed in him, and everyone knew disappointment was worse than anger! 

Oh well, so what. Disappointed was better than dead.

But...what if she was so disappointed she didn’t love him anymore? He couldn’t bear that. Or what if his actions pushed him further on the path to the dark side, and made his dream about Padmé and Obi Wan come true?

Trying it on her was definitely less selfish, and showed he could follow the no attachment rule. It definitely aligned more with the Jedi code. But he didn’t give an eopie’s ass about the Jedi code, not when it was a choice between the code and Obi Wan! She cared about the code though. No man is an island…

What would she do? Hmm. She was always practical. Yes, she would figure out who was in the most danger and start there.

And in this practical vein, Anakin realized she was probably in the most danger from the nanites themselves. There were so many in her blood—what if they were compromising her organs? He suspected the Kaminoans were still in the early stages of development, who knew what the intent or side effects were at this point?

Anakin’s head was pounding. He rubbed his temples. Was doing the right thing for the wrong reasons any better than doing the wrong thing? 

He supposed he was going to find out.


	10. Chapter 10

Anakin wiped the tears off his cheeks.  Damn stupid karking Dooku!!!

He decided to delay.  Although he wouldn’t call it that.  He needed to experiment more. Yes, he needed to be able to make sure he could manage more than one nanite at a time.  He went back to the ship, got the needle he had used for Obi Wan...and...had he disinfected it? Better do it again to make sure.  Then he grabbed it, and a bowl, and went back to the hospital. He wasn’t crying. He wasn’t crying!

He took another sample of her blood, then headed away from the village.  He found a patch of shade, and sat down, and injected the blood into the bowl.  He reached out with the force to see if he could neutralize more than one at a time.  

Boom! Shards of bowl went flying everywhere. He threw up his forearms to protect his face.

Good thing he hadn’t been working on a person.  Ugh. He collected the pieces then went back to the ship, disinfected the needle again, and got a new, unexploded bowl.  Then he stalked back to the hospital. Obi Wan’s arm was starting to look like a pincushion. He turned her on her side and took this sample out of her hip.  Then he returned to his position in the shade. 

He had to calm himself down.  He took some deep breaths. He took some more deep breaths.  He thought about his bond with Obi Wan. He thought about how the  Na’asho’iians performed the ceremony last night.  He owed it to them. He owed it to her. He was in charge of his emotions, they weren’t in charge of him. He was in charge.

He reached out to the nanites again, and slowly, painstakingly, neutralized them with the light side ...and then agitated them with the dark side until they were inert.  He did it. He did it? He opened his eyes in wonder. The bowl was still in one piece. He poked at the nanites with the Force. Dead. They began separating from the midichlorians.

He got up and dragged himself back to the hospital tent, each step heavier than the last.  He couldn’t believe he was going to do this to Obi Wan first. It went against every instinct he had, to protect those he loved.   _ Life sucked. Everything was super unfair. The Force hated him. _

Deep breaths.

He knew that she was in the most immediate danger, and therefore he had to remove the nanites from her first. To be honest, that was the only reason he was starting with her, even though he also knew that sometimes...sometimes you had to think about what someone else wanted.  You had to think about the greater good. She had taught him that. He guessed he had learned something from her after all. Even if that by itself wasn’t enough to make him do it.

And by the Force he was going to be the most careful, the most meticulous ever. He could save everyone.  Couldn’t he?

He picked her up, cot and all, and carried her outside the tent.  Just in case. He kneeled next to her. He rested his head on her stomach, and if it got a little wet, he’s sure it was just sweat.  He wiped his hands on his pants. He sent love to her through their bond, and apologies. Just in case. His stomach lurched. 

And then he reached into her blood with the Force, and found all of the nanites. He stabilized them. And then he detonated.  And they all went inert. And began separating from the midichlorians. Just like that. 

He leaned to the side of her cot and threw up, and then lay on the ground as his head spun.

He couldn’t believe he had just done that.  What if he had killed her! What the hell!

 

***********

 

After he had recovered his senses he knew he was far from done.  Not only were there other sufferers to heal, but there were other villages to attend to.  And then...and then he had to do something about production of the nanites, and that meant a trip to Kamino.

He lay there for awhile, thinking about his options.  He knew what he needed to do, even though it was going to annoy Obi Wan.  She had told him not only to not communicate with anyone while they were here, but also not to bring any communication devices with him. Which meant she was not going to be very happy when she found out he’d brought his secret communicator that he used with Rex in emergencies. He’d thought of it after the last time he’d been captured.

Anakin pushed up his sleeve to where he’d strapped it above his elbow, and tapped out a code.  He received a response code within a minute. It was the all-clear signal. Rex was free to receive a message.

_ I need you to get a fighter out to me at the following coordinates. _

Rex and the 501st were currently serving under Quinlan Vos while he and Obi Wan were incommunicado.  Since Vos had supplied them with the untraceable ship they used to get out here, hopefully he would understand the need for secrecy and just give Rex what he needed without asking too many questions.   

_ Got it General.  _

Anakin drummed his fingers on his leg for a moment.  It could take Rex awhile to talk to Vos and get his answer.  He needed to get back to his work here on  Na’asho’ii.  

He picked up Obi Wan (and her cot), and brought them back into the tent.  

“She’s--she’s healed,” he said to the nurses, who had been watching him.  They spoke quickly to one another, one running from the tent. Maybe to tell Hatalii, he thought.  

“I need to heal the others,” he said.  He didn’t think he could do more than one at a time, or at least he wasn’t willing to try it.  This could take awhile. He knelt next to Ajei and got started.

 

********

 

He felt his communicator buzz, but he didn’t have time to respond.  When he was finally done with everyone in the hospital tent, he realized he was famished, and went out in search of food. He didn’t have to go far; some of the villagers were waiting outside with a platter of grilled meat and flat bread.  He tore into it greedily as he checked his message.

_ On my way _ , it said.  Whew! That was a relief.  He wasn’t sure where Rex was, or how long it would take.  He needed to talk to Hatalii anyway, and find out what he knew about other villages and how to reach them.  First though, he wanted to check on Obi Wan. He walked back through the hospital, noting as he did that some of the patients were awake, and watching him.  Everyone was watching him. He smiled, and nodded. They smiled, and nodded. He didn’t stop though till he reached Obi Wan. 

She, unfortunately, was still unconscious.  Her fever was lower though, which was promising, and she felt stronger to him in the Force. He knelt beside her for a few moments, head on her shoulder.  The edge of her braid tickled his nose, and he decided that later tonight he would brush her hair and rebraid it for her. 

He got up, intending to find Hatalii, but Hatalii was already in the hospital, sitting with Ajei.  

That’s his wife, Anakin suddenly realized.  He was grateful now that he hadn’t started with Ajei.  What if he had blown  _ her _ up?  

He sat on the ground next to Ajei’s bed, and Hatalii clasped Anakin’s hands in his own, saying something that Anakin decided to assume was thank you.  

“You’re welcome,” he responded.  “Hatalii, there may be others on the planet who need help.  How do I reach them?” he cast his question into the Force. Anakin really hoped he understood, because he wasn’t sure how he would draw that.  

Hatalii stood up and beckoned to Anakin.  They went out past the boundaries of the village, and then Hatalii stopped and made a weird whistling sound.  Anakin wondered what was going on, till he heard hoofbeats. Their ride was approaching. And who should it be, but the Heffalumps.  Of course. Up close and in the daylight he could see their thin mouths and their small eyes set far back on their heads, but the shape of the head itself still reminded him of a jar.  Watching to see how Hatalii got on, Anakin followed suit, and they set off quickly toward the northeast. 

He imagined it was going to be a long day, and he was already lightheaded with relief and exhaustion; but he knew he would feel much better--and sleep much better--when he had tended to everyone. He just wanted to get it over with.  

 

**********

 

It was a VERY long day.  They returned to the village late, ate a bit, and then he collapsed in a cot next to Obi Wan.  He was too tired to do anything with her hair tonight, other than to bury his face in it. There were fewer people in the hospital tent. It looked like some of the less-affected villagers had already returned home.  

He rose early the next morning, and took the opportunity then for his brushing and braiding.  He found it an extremely soothing pastime--the color and texture of her hair were endlessly fascinating to him--and he used it as a form of moving meditation while he stretched out his senses to see how many more people on the planet were still infected with the nanites.

They had already visited the villages closest to the satellite’s landing spot, and as he cast his awareness outward he sensed there were fewer infected Na’aoshiians. He knew that nanite inside and out now, and could sense it across the planet.  Just a few more villages to go, it seemed.

As he and Hatalli headed out for their next destination, Anakin received a message.

_ Should arrive in 24 standard hours. _

Good.  Just in time for the next phase of his operation.

 

***********

Rex arrived the next day as promised, bringing with him an ARC 170. General Skywalker hadn’t been specific in his request, so he hoped it would do.  He spotted the other ship, and brought his fighter down next to it. His scanners had picked up no other ships on this agrarian world, a novelty in this day and age. He imagined Generals Kenobi and Skywalker must be nearby.  He hopped out, and sure enough, there was General Skywalker.

“Rex!  You made it!” Anakin exclaimed, running over to him to pat him on the back.  

“Sir!” said Rex, standing at attention.

“Aww, knock it off Rex!  I’m so glad you’re here! Any trouble getting a ship?”

Rex relaxed and permitted himself a smile.  “Not at all sir. General Vos is almost as much of a renegade as you are.  As soon as I told him you had requested a ship--over a private communicator--he was more than happy to oblige.  And to...er, well ‘put one over on General Kenobi,’ as he put it.”

Skywalker frowned a bit at that, but then gestured to Rex to follow him. As they walked toward  the settlement, he explained a bit about what had been going on, and how General Kenobi had been infected. At this point they arrived in the hospital, which was now nearly empty except for her.

Rex blinked.  “How long has she been unconscious?” he asked.  

“I’m not really sure.  At least five days? I kind of lost track of time.” He watched her with a troubled air, then looked up at Rex.  “She actually should be waking up soon, I think. That’s why it’s doubly good that you’re here. I’d like her to see a familiar face when she wakes up.”  He turned back to General Kenobi, his face softening. “You could even hold her hand so she won’t feel lonely or scared,” he mused, half to himself.

Rex jerked back reflexively.  Hold General Kenobi’s hand?!

“I’m quite sure that won’t be necessary, General,” he began, before Skywalker cut him off.

“Do you want her to be scared when she wakes up?” he asked, starting to look angry.  His general had always been more than a little nuts when it came to his former master.

Rex looked at General Kenobi, hoping for some way to get out of this nonsensical conversation.  She did look kind of fragile, lying there like that, but under no circumstances would he be holding her hand.  The breach of protocol alone...not to mention the possibility that she would be so shocked when she came to and found him touching her that she’d lop off his arm with her lightsaber.  He decided just to humor his general.

“Certainly not, sir.  Though I can’t imagine her being scared,” he finally said.  Then he thought of a way to change the subject. 

“Why won’t you be here when she wakes up, sir?” he asked.

General Skywalker looked a bit shifty.  “I know who made the nanites. I need to take care of the situation before they try them out on anyone else.”

Rex was nobody’s fool.  

“Kamino?”  he hazarded.  The general looked at him sharply and Rex shrugged.  “They are nearby, sir. And while they’re obviously best known for cloning, they are also involved in other forms of genetic technology.”

“You’re right Rex...I need to find out where they’re producing these devices, and figure out how to stop them,” he said.  Then he grew more serious. “I promise not to hurt any clones.”

Rex regarded him steadily.  “I didn’t think you would, sir,” he said.

 

********

 

Boy did it feel good to be flying again!  Anakin was in the ARC 170 and on his way to Kamino.  He was in an excellent mood. Obi Wan was on the mend, with Rex at her side; he’d gotten rid of the nanites on the planet; and he’d staged an accident with the satellite so that it looked like it crashed when it landed on the planet.  Best of all, he was on his way to punish the Kaminoans!

Okay, he wasn’t  _ really  _ going to punish the Kaminoans.  Though he certainly liked the idea.  He was going to see what he could do about destroying their nanite lab though, and he’d had an idea on how to do it.  

He snuck into the planet’s atmosphere in the shadow of an electrical storm, to hide his ship.  Then he entered a light meditation and sought out the nanites. He sensed an activated batch, but it appeared to be within some blood samples, not a living creature.  Thank goodness, or he would have had to stage a rescue before his sabotage, and that would have increased the chances of getting caught. He flew low across the water, and landed his ship on the underside of a bridge near the location of the activated nanites.

He reached into the Force again, and found a couple of Kaminoans near the nanites, but no clones. He was tempted to go ahead and blow the lab up with the scientists inside it, but knew Obi Wan would not approve.  So he waited. 

Finally, both life signatures left the area.  He had to work quickly.

It wasn’t hard to conjure up his anger, which almost always simmered right beneath the surface. All it took was thinking of Obi Wan lying helpless in her hospital cot, and...BOOM!  The succeeding explosion was very satisfying. 

Anakin unclamped his ship and flew away.

 

********

The return trip was not long, but it did give him a chance to think. Somehow it wasn’t nearly as scary to think as it was even a short week ago.

It was kind of hard to believe how much he had accomplished, how far he had come. His head was so much clearer. His feelings were leveling out--his rage, his self-loathing, his grief, they had all been muted.  And it was all because of Obi Wan. He couldn’t have pulled himself together and mastered his emotions (in whatever limited capacity he had managed it) if he hadn’t been both terrified of losing her and buoyed by her love.  Though that didn’t sound like it was much better, but what could he say. His love for people was what made him tick. And if he could control that love (and fear) and harness it productively, as he had done here...

_ “Don’t deny your feelings Anakin, they are what make you special.” _

Who had said that? Oh yeah, Palpatine. Anakin snorted. His  _ feelings  _ had caused him to murder a whole tribe of sentients. His  _ feelings  _ had almost caused him to blow Obi Wan up. His unchecked feelings were a big problem; they were nothing but a disaster waiting to happen. He was starting to think the man was a moron. Made it hard to believe Obi Wan’s theory that Palpatine was a traitor. Still, they’d need to investigate that when they got back. It was more likely that there was a spy in his inner circle, taking advantage of the chancellor’s faulty understanding of people.

Enough about Palpatine. Much more pleasurable we’re thoughts of Obi Wan. Now that she was doing better, that is. He thought back to how she’d flooded their bond with love. That had been insane. He shivered. 

Was there any chance...nah. He hadn’t had the sense to investigate while it was happening, but he was sure it was friend love. Or sibling love. Or teacher love. But... what if it was more than that? He would be lying if he said he’d never been attracted to her. What if she was attracted to him?  What if she didn’t just love him, but was  _ in love  _ with him? That would be… that would be… His brain started to overheat. 

He had the niggling suspicion that it would hurt Padme to know how he was feeling about Obi Wan; but after all, why should she know?  They were separate parts of his life.

And somehow he was already back at Na’aosh’ii. He sensed Obi Wan immediately.  Relief flooded through him. He had barely landed when he vaulted out of the ship and sprinted to the hospital.  

“Obi Wan!” he cried, and rushed toward her.  She was lying on the cot, talking with Rex, who sat comfortably beside her.  

“Hi Anakin,” she said faintly, her voice weak but her smile strong.  “You did it, I see.”

He threw himself down beside her and hugged her fiercely, till he heard her whoop for breath.

“Oops,” he said, shamefaced, backing up a bit so all his weight wasn’t on her midsection. He stared at her intently. “Sorry.  But I was so worried about you! And I have so much to tell you!” 

He looked up then and noticed Rex backing away.  Obi Wan noticed too.

“No, don’t go Rex,” she said, gesturing to the cot he had vacated.  Rex looked at them both and was encouraged enough to sit back down. Anakin sat beside him.  “We value your insight. Anakin can fill us in on what’s happened since I lost consciousness, and let us know how his side mission went.”

Okay, since she lost consciousness. So definitely not why they were there in the first place. Or the love part. 

“And I’d like to hear your version of how Rex came to be here,” she said to Anakin, with a dangerously sweet smile. She turned to Rex with a kinder expression. “Not that your presence isn’t appreciated.” 

Rex looked gratified, but uncomfortable. Anakin blushed. He had missed having her sharp tongue, and sharper mind, concentrated on him. He ran a finger along the inside his collar nervously.

“I, uh, I might have a communicator for contacting Rex,” he stammered.

“Mm hmm,” she said, eyeing him pointedly. “I gathered that. We’ll return to that later.”

Relieved at the reprieve, he began a stumbling account of what had happened. As his story went on and his confidence returned, he saw (and felt) her pride, her concern, her affection.  He knew she was going to want to delve further into his dark side shenanigans, and his illicit communicator, but not in front of Rex. 

“You did well, Anakin,” she said, when he was done. “But there’s still much to consider.”  He noticed that her eyes were drawn back to Rex; he could almost feel the gears turning in her mind, and knew she was wondering about the clones again. Eventually she closed her eyes.  “I’m sorry, I’m still so tired.”

Anakin brushed the loose tendrils of hair from her forehead. He resisted the urge to rain kisses on her face. “Get some sleep, Obi Wan. We’ll be nearby,” he said tenderly. He glanced over at Rex, whose face was studiously blank. 

It didn’t matter what Rex thought, or what he suspected, or what he thought he suspected. He wouldn’t say anything. To anyone. He would leave the next day, and then it would be just him and Obi Wan again. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for people who don't like Obikin: There's some Obikin, but they don't get together.
> 
> Warning for people who do like Obikin: There's some Obikin, but they don't get together.
> 
> There's more info about that in the end notes. :)

Wrong again.

Obi Wan wanted Rex to stay. She told Anakin to set him up in their hut, since she didn’t need the space. She was still weak and would need to stay in the hospital for another day or two.

She probably thought Anakin would stay in the hut with him, but he had other ideas. She couldn’t get rid of him that easily. 

He wanted to talk about her love, but by the time he came back from showing Rex his quarters, she was asleep again. 

Anakin stared at her, annoyed. So he pulled his usual cot up next to her and laid down, scooting under the blanket. 

When he woke up the next morning the sun was hovering at the horizon, and Obi Wan...well, somehow, he’d ended up with both arms around her, her face buried in his chest.  Now this is more like it, he thought, but before anything interesting could happen he noticed a muffled drone coming from the area where her head was.

Was she...was she singing?  She was! And even worse, she was singing that Stewjon song that made her think of the clones!  Well how do you like that. Here she was, lying in his arms but thinking of the clones! Not quite the reaction he liked to see when he was holding someone close.  He held her away from his chest. And there were her bright eyes sparkling at him, so close...

“Hi,” he said, suddenly unable to breath properly.

“Good morning Anakin,” she said, smiling, and sitting up.  She winced a bit, but managed to stay upright. “I’m starting to get some energy back,” she said, looking down at him.  “I can sit up now!”

She didn’t seem surprised to find him lying next to her, or to find herself in his arms.  She had obviously been awake, and she hadn’t moved. She didn’t even look irritated or disappointed or uncomfortable.  He took that as a good sign. He felt a bit like singing himself.

“Obi Wan,” he began, but she put up a hand. 

“Anakin, I know what you want to talk about. Now’s not a good time, Rex is on his way over here, and I think our time will be better served talking about the clones, and about what we learned about the nanites,” she said.

He nodded mutely, and sat up too.  She was right, but he didn’t like it.  She looked at him sympathetically, which annoyed him.

“Rex!” she called out.  He marched into the tent.  

“Sir!  Good to see you up again,” he said, standing at attention.  

“Thank you, Rex.  Have a seat, would you? So I don’t have to crane my neck,” she explained.  Anakin took the hint and pulled his cot back, so he and Rex could sit on it.  “I wanted to tell you about my experience with the nanites, and then I have some questions for you both.”

They nodded.

“I didn’t want to believe at first that I’d been compromised,” she began, “so I ignored the fact that I was feeling worn down.  And things deteriorated pretty quickly. But I definitely had the sense that I could lose control over my actions...it was an extremely odd sensation.  And then I lost consciousness.”

She looked over at Anakin.  “You’re the one who knows most about how the nanites work now, Anakin.  What did you learn?”

“That actually tracks, Master,” he said.  “The nanites weren’t destroying your midichlorians, they were trapping them.  I don’t know what that means, though.”

She stroked her chin. “Interesting,” she said. “Maybe they would enable Dooku to control force users.”

Anakin shuddered at that.  He hadn’t thought about the reasons behind the nanites too much.

“And you said you had to use the light side of the Force to immobilize them, but the dark side to destroy them,” she continued. “Not many people would be able to call on both sides, so I’m guessing that was unintended,” she said, looking approvingly at Anakin. “I do wonder about the role of dark emotions though…”

Her face took on a far away expression for a moment before she shook her head. “That’s a side issue for now.  We will need to investigate that further, but first I want to talk about the nanites’ ability to lock down the midichlorians.” She turned to Rex.  “I’m glad you’re here Rex, because I have the feeling there’s something similar at work in you and the other clones.”

“Nanites, sir?” he asked, frowning.  Obi Wan looked up at Anakin. 

“I haven’t sensed nanites, have you?”  she asked. 

“No, but let’s investigate,” he replied.  They reached out with the Force to inspect Rex, who fidgeted uncomfortably. 

“No nanites,” said Anakin eventually.  “But...what is that chip in your head for, Rex?”

“Chip? Oh--the inhibitor chip,” Rex said, tense.

All three were silent for a moment.  Then Obi Wan said, “Taun We and Lama Su mentioned the chip when I first went to Kamino.” She looked at Rex carefully.  “They said it was to make the clones--to make  _ you _ —less independent. More likely to follow orders.” 

“Can we inspect the chip, Rex?” Anakin asked tentatively.   Rex nodded, and Anakin and Obi Wan reached out with the Force again.

“It’s bio-based, isn’t it,” Anakin said to Obi Wan.  

“Yes.”  She turned to Rex.  “I don’t want to worry you Rex, but...I’d like to study the chip.  Would you allow us to remove it?” she asked, then grimaced. “Well, not us.  A healer.”

Rex stood up, military straight.  “Of course, generals. But, if it makes me unreliable to have it out--” 

“We won’t let anything happen to you Rex!” said Anakin fiercely, and Obi Wan nodded in agreement.

“Rex, I suspect there’s more to it.  I’m beginning to think you might be better off without it. And no matter what, Anakin and I will make sure you’re okay.”

The three of them looked at one another in a fraught silence. Finally, Anakin turned to her.

“Obi Wan, who do you want to remove the chip? I mean...it sounds like we need to keep this quiet,” he said.

She nodded, watching Rex.  “Rex, this affects you and your brothers.  What would you like to do?”

“It makes sense to find out what the chip does exactly. And if it will help my brothers, then I want to have someone remove it from me first,” he said.  “But I’d like it to be another clone who does it, sirs, if you see what I mean.”

They did see what he meant.  “How about Kix?” Anakin asked.

“That’s just who I was thinking of, general,” Rex responded.

“Then that’s who it shall be,” said Obi Wan, with a decided air.  “I’m not quite in peak form, but perhaps if I can get myself up and moving today, the three of us can return to the 501st and see what we can find out about this chip?”  

*******

 

Obi Wan set about “recovering” with a single-minded air of determination.  After she had quizzed Anakin about whether everyone on the planet had been tended to, she sent him on his way, laying down with her eyes firmly closed, forcing herself to go to sleep to speed her recovery.  The plan was to leave by the next day.

He was impressed with her resolve and relieved that he didn’t have to force her to rest, like he usually did.  He wasn’t pleased about being sent away, but maybe she couldn’t sleep as well with him staring at her and sighing dramatically.  Ugh. He embarrassed himself sometimes, but he couldn’t seem to make himself stop.

He took advantage of the time to see if the Na’aoishiians needed anything else--which they didn’t seem to, now that everyone was recovering--and sparring with Rex.  

It seemed the rest had done Obi Wan good.  When she woke up in the evening, she was able to walk out to the communal area on her own, and eat with everyone else.  Anakin could see what it was costing her to do it, but he didn’t say anything. He wished they could spend another day here, but he knew she wouldn’t agree to it.  She was too worried about the clones. Maybe a good night’s sleep would help too, make her that much stronger. It appeared that was all she was going to permit herself.  

He was going to miss this planet, the Na’aoshiians, but most of all the time he’d had here with Obi Wan.  As he allowed himself to drift along with the planet’s gentle currents, to bask in the nearby golden warmth that was his former master, he had the amorphous sensation that this place and these people had somehow saved his soul.

*********

Obi Wan sat next to him, curled up in the copilot’s chair. She looked peaked, but far, far better than she had.  He had come so close to losing her. He swallowed hard.

Rex was flying the ARC, and they were taking Vos’s ship, and meeting up with Vos and the 501st on Koyal.  That meant he had her all to himself for the next 24 hours, and he planned to take full advantage of it. 

Her eyes were closed, but that was no deterrent.

“Obi Wan,” he said.

She opened her eyes.  “Anakin.”

He suddenly felt tongue-tied and unsure.  This could go a million different ways, and some of them could be bad. He wasn’t even sure what he wanted from her exactly.  He just... _ wanted _ .

“So…” His mind was suddenly blank.  Really? That was all he could manage?  It was clear why no one called  _ him _ the negotiator!

“You want to talk about what happened before I was overcome by the nanites,” she stated.  Thank the Force, she wasn’t going to pretend like she had no idea what he was talking about.  He nodded.

She looked uncomfortable, but resigned.  “I wanted to help you stay focused. I knew...I suspected...because our bond is so strong, I knew that if I let you feel how much I cared, it would soothe you and give you focus. It was far more overwhelming than I’d realized it would be, even on my side, but I knew it would create an island of calm that you could use to center yourself. And you did it!” she added, pleased. 

How much she cared...she still couldn’t say the word. Well he could, and he was going to. And while he always craved her praise, he wasn’t going to let her distract him from what he really wanted to talk about.

“That you love me?” he prompted.

She flushed.  “Yes. That I love you.  As you know, the Jedi way is compassion and love for all, and we frown on attachment, for good reason. I sometimes worry that my feelings may cross that line...but...but I thought it might help calm you down...and I wanted you to know. Just in case.”

Her face was bright red now. She disliked talking about her own feelings, and she clearly felt like she was betraying the code. He sighed. Love. Praise.  It was all he’d ever wanted from her. So why was he now feeling like maybe there should be more?

“I love you too,” he said, watching her carefully. 

“Yes. I know.”

“It would have been nice if you’d told me sooner,” he said flatly. 

“You knew. I showed you every day.”

“It wasn’t as obvious as you thought.”

“Oh but it was. I was questioned by the council about my objectivity regarding you more than once.”

He was getting agitated. He took a deep breath, but before he could say anything, she was talking again. 

“It wasn’t enough for you, but it was too much for the council. That will be my epitaph.” She smiled in self deprecation. 

He realized she was steering them off onto another tangent, that, while interesting and illuminating and somewhat enraging, was not what he really wanted to know.  He meant to ease into the topic just as she’d taught him, but in moments of stress his mouth sometimes unhitched from his brain.

“Are you in love with me?” As soon as the words were out he wanted them back. Real smooth, Skywalker!

She gaped at him for a moment. He could feel her surprise and a growing wariness. Then she smiled, a shade too brightly. “Cutting right to the heart of the matter, are we?”

Now it was his turn to blush, but he persevered. “Well, I assume you love me as a mentee--is that a word?--a friend, maybe even as a brother… I just hoped...I mean wondered…”

She lowered her eyes, and he could tell she was carefully choosing her words. He held his breath. Tendrils of her ever-present guilt snaked through the bond. “I never intended to encourage you that way.” 

Encourage?!

She stroked her chin contemplatively as she watched him. “Oh Anakin.  We are Jedi, our duty is to the Republic and to the galaxy--that is where our focus must remain.” 

His scowl must have told her that was the wrong approach, for her look softened and she went on in a more personal vein.  “Our bond is already so strong. We don’t know what would happen if we added a sexual or romantic component to it. It could certainly mean attachment at some level.” He squirmed.

“And what if things went south? As Force users our emotions affect the world around us. Everything is interconnected, and we are just one small part of a much larger world.  Not that you’re not attractive,” she added quickly when she sensed his mounting irritation. 

He opened and closed his mouth indignantly, but no sounds came out--his thoughts were so jumbled he didn’t know where to start. Part of him wanted to say he didn’t want her anyway, she shouldn’t flatter herself.  Part of him wanted to scoff at the code and ask her why she always had to be an airy-fairy Jedi, talking about a “larger world”. And part of him wanted to lunge at her and kiss her and show her why it would be a very good thing indeed.

She was quiet while he waged his internal struggle, staring off into the distance dreamily. Finally she said, “So even if I was in love with you it would be irrelevant.”

Irrelevant?! Anger licked through him and his words came back to him in a rush. “I don’t care about the kriffing Jedi code!”

She remained patient in the face of his ire. 

“Well I do. It’s there to protect us and others. It’s not just the code though Anakin, it’s everything.” 

He looked at her incredulously. Something mattered to her beyond the sith-damned code? “What everything?”

She ticked off on her fingers. “I was your master, you were my Padawan.” 

“I’m not a Padawan anymore!”

“I know that, but there’s still a power imbalance. I was in charge of you for years. Even now I’m a master and a council member.” 

He crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes.  “I don’t care about that. It doesn’t bother me.” 

“Okay.” She looked at him appraisingly. “Well how about the 16 years between us? I’m technically old enough to be your mother.” 

“You are  _ not _ my mother!” Somehow he found himself on his feet, staring down at her, fire swirling through his veins at the mention of his mother. 

She remained in her seat, annoyingly calm. “How about this then—you’re married. To my friend, Senator Padmé Naberrie Amidala.”

Anakin froze up for a second. “I’m sorry I told you that!”

“Why?” She actually seemed curious. The incongruity of her curiosity, and its lack of judgment, diffused some of his anger. He took a deep breath.

She was looking at him with a kindness and understanding that he didn’t want from her at the moment, but he was definitely calmer. However, since the answer to the question was highly unflattering to himself, he just glowered down at her.

“It’s not all about you and what you want,” she said gently. “Forget everything else for a minute. How would this make Padmé feel? You...reacted poorly when she was spying on Rush Clovis, and she didn’t even do anything. How would you feel if she decided she was in love with you and…” she groped for another name.  “You and Bail Organa. And she told you she had enough love for both of you?”

He saw red at the very idea, but she wasn’t done. She stood up and put a hand on his shoulder. “As Jedi, we know better than to act on every feeling that we have.” 

“I do not act on every feeling that I have!” he yelled, irate, before whirling away and stalking back to the cargo hold.  Why was he even arguing with her about being in love?! He had never told her he was in love with her! And anyways, arguing with her was nothing but a waste of time.  She could out-argue anyone, all with a smile on her lips, making you eventually think her idea was your own. He groaned and put his head in his hands.

He kicked the wall a few times, then sat down to pout.  Er, think, that is. 

Anger, desire, frustration, confusion boiled around him and he struggled to acknowledge these sensations, to face them, and to not let them consume him. It was hard, so hard, when there were so many feelings, some he couldn’t even name and didn’t begin to understand. 

He was in charge of his feelings. They were not in charge of him. Right? Usually. Sometimes. Okay, hardly ever, but he was working on it! He’d done it on that planet.  He could do it again. He closed his eyes and put his head in his hands. He forced himself to stop grinding his teeth.

Had he really yelled out that he didn’t act on ever feeling that he had?  And then stomped away like an adolescent? Arrgh. 

But--she loved him.  She would always love him.  He was safe. He breathed.

The rejection stung, but as he cooled down, he realized she was right.  Why was she always right? He hated that about her. Her reasons were solid.  Her logic unassailable. She would not indulge his newly discovered lust. 

But--she loved him. And...she never said she  _ wasn’t _ in love with him.  

Their bond was like nothing else in the Order. Maybe in the Galaxy.  Her feelings for him wouldn’t fade, they were the for-life kind. 

No matter what he did--and she already knew the worst of it. 

_ Family. _  He could feel the truth of that in the Force. Now he just had to make himself fully believe it...which was easier said than done.  His anxieties made him doubt everything good. Though he had certainly been feeling less anxious for the past several weeks, the nanites notwithstanding.  He pondered that for a moment.. He reached out and poked at their bond. Solid. Warm. Loving. He sighed again.

As he stewed he had the dawning realization that what he shared with Obi Wan was already very intimate.  And that no matter how much he loved Padme--adored Padme, worshipped Padme!--it wasn’t something he could have with her, because she wasn’t a Force user.

Padme knew they had a bond, he’d told her about it.  But did she really understand what that meant? What that was like?  Did it bother her?

Obi Wan’s most convincing reason for them not to attempt a romantic relationship--to him anyway--was Padme.  He could rationalize the rest of what she said away (he’d already tossed the code overboard when he got married, and, Force help him, it appeared he preferred older, powerful women), but he didn’t want to hurt Padme.  Or give Padme the idea that  _ she _ could have sex with someone else, because that was definitely not okay. Obi Wan having sex with other people was one thing--and something he had no control over, even though the thought of it was infuriating. Padme was something else altogether.  

He stood up and paced around at that, his heart racing.  He took some deep breaths. Obi Wan had explained to him more than once that attachment wasn’t about love so much as it was about possessiveness. 

He couldn’t think about this anymore.

He grabbed a toolbox and headed for the engine room.  This piece of junk ship could definitely use some work. He could focus on repairs and let everything else slide on by.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I love Anakin, but let's face it, he's a crazypants. I want him to be better, so that's what I'm going for here. But he is WAY possessive and obsessive, and he needs to start to see that for himself before he can make it better. And that was what I was trying to do here. Hope it at least sort of worked.
> 
> I'm not getting them together right now because Obi Wan knows he's getting better but that he is still unstable and immature, and she isn't touching that with a ten foot pole. Will they ever get together...I have a couple of ending options floating in my head. I'll add tags if I'm going that direction so non shippers can avoid.


	12. Chapter 12

Obi Wan sat back down heavily, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees and resting her head in her hands. Her conversation with Anakin had been exhausting.  He’d thrust her into the middle of an emotional minefield, and she still wasn’t sure if she’d navigated it successfully or not. 

He had come so far since he’d told her about the Sand People, but he was still so impulsive. So emotionally unstable.  

She tamped down her guilt ruthlessly. She was going to have to deal with that later.

She was so compromised regarding him, but she did know that getting entangled in a love triangle with him and Padme was a Very Bad Idea.  She shuddered at the thought of it.

What Anakin needed was to leave the Order, and his confusion about her, and live his marriage with Padme.  To have the family he so desperately craved. He was never going to be happy as a Jedi. She didn’t know if he was the Chosen One or not, and she didn’t care. He was Anakin, and he deserved to be happy with a wife and children and everything else normal people had.  And she determined then and there that she was going to make that happen for him, no matter what.

In the meantime she needed to concentrate on staying awake and piloting the ship until Anakin deigned to return.

 

*****

Eventually a niggling feeling pulled Anakin out of his funk and reminded him that someone needed him. Obi Wan needed him. She was still recovering, and he’d abandoned her. Temporarily, of course, but still. He finished up what he was working on and made his way back to the cockpit.

“Hi, “ he said brusquely, sliding into the copilot’s seat.

“Hi,” she said, with a genuine smile. He could tell she wanted to ask how he was doing, but luckily she didn’t. He was more than done talking about feelings for today. And tomorrow. And probably the whole next month. 

He looked at her briefly, saw her struggling to keep her eyes open. He repressed a pang of regret, and jerked his thumb toward the back. 

“Go lie down. I got this.”

“Thanks,” she said. She started heading out but only got as far as the pull-down bunk in the corridor. “I think...I think this will do, “ she said, pulling it down and crawling onto it. “Wake me...when we get there…” and she was out. 

He stared at her with disfavor.  Stupid, beautiful Obi Wan, lying there being beautiful and stupid. Her mouth fell open.  She began snoring. His frown morphed into a smile. Hilarious. So much for being refined and genteel. Stupid, beautiful Obi Wan was human like everyone else. She was so stoic, so Jedi-like. She tried to pretend she like she was above having any weaknesses.  But he knew it was a facade. Her sheer competence was reassuring, but her hidden foibles and worries made her relatable. He was grateful she let him see that side of her. He wouldn’t want her to be any other way.

*******

 

Obi Wan woke up just as they were landing.  She lay there for a moment, blinking and trying to remember where she was.  Oh yes. That ship. They were meeting up with Quin and Rex on Koyal. She reached out with the Force, past Anakin’s intense blaze, and found Quin’s familiar signature. And Rex was here too.  No surprise that he had beaten them.

Anakin walked back to her and held out a hand to help her up.  

“Thanks Anakin,” she said, but he just gave her a curt nod.  She wondered how long it would take for things to be less awkward.

As they descended the ramp they saw Vos waiting to meet them, Rex by his side.  Rex nodded to them, while Vos looked at her critically as she walked toward him.  “You look like death warmed over, Kenobi,” he finally said.

She raised one elegant eyebrow.  “Thanks. You always know how to make a girl feel special.”  She gave him the once over and smiled sweetly. “Is that your robe or did you steal some rags from a cleaning droid?” 

He barked out a laugh and punched her in the arm, knocking her a bit. She rubbed her shoulder.  “It’s good to see you, Kenobi. But I was under the impression you’d be squirreled away for awhile.” He glanced over at Anakin who scowled at him. 

Anakin had stalked out of the ship behind her, and was standing so close that his breath rustled her hair.  Obi Wan noticed Quin’s speculative glance and stepped away from Anakin as naturally as she could. She could feel his jealousy wax and wane as he struggled to control it.

“Change of plans. It’s a long story, but we’ve come across something troubling.  The clones have a chip in their head and it may be more problematic than we had realized.  Captain Rex has offered to let us remove his and study it,” she explained.

“Why don’t you go back to Coruscant then, to the temple? Or to Kamino?” he asked, looking at Rex, who was staring straight ahead.  Noticing his discomfort, Anakin walked over to stand beside him, giving him a sympathetic squeeze on the shoulder.

“We need to keep this quiet, Quin.  We’re not telling the council, we’re not telling the chancellor, we’re not telling anyone for now. The only ones who know are you, us, and Rex. And we’ll need to tell Kix, because he will be doing the surgery.”

“That big, huh.  Alright. We’re just in cleanup mode at the moment, we took out most of the separatist forces. Kix is in the medical tent,” he said, heading toward it.

Kix looked up at their arrival, surprised to see them all troop in together and linger in the corner.  He finished bandaging up Tup’s ankle, and sent him on his way. Then he walked over to meet them.

“Good to see you, generals. Sir,” he said, nodding at Obi Wan, Anakin, and Rex.  “Thought you were going to be away on a mission longer.”

“Change of plans,” said Rex, meeting Obi Wan’s eye with a brief smile.  “We--I--have a favor to ask. And it has to be kept quiet. No one outside of this group can know about it.”

Kix’s eyes went wide, but he just nodded.  “Yes, sir. You can count on me.”

Quin jerked his head toward the door.  “We can have more privacy over this way.”

They left the medical tent, where some clones were resting, and followed Quin inside his tent. Rex turned to face Kix.

“You know the inhibitor chip we have, the one that’s supposed to keep us from acting aggressively?” he asked.  Kix nodded.

“The generals found something out that makes them think there’s more to this chip than the Kaminoans said.  I volunteered to have mine removed so it could be studied,” he said. “And I wanted it to be a brother who removed it.”

Kix gave a low whistle.  “Seriously, sir? Okay. I’m a medic, not a doctor, but...I’m your man.  I just need to think about the best way to get it out.” He was silent a moment, then said, “Wait here. Field equipment isn’t going to be as good, but I have an idea.”

He returned shortly with a medical droid and a hand-held scanner that could be hooked to a hologram to display the image. He had Rex lay down on Quin’s cot, and he ran several scans of his head.  Then he displayed the images, rotating them so he could get a good look at the chip. Then he sighed.

“It will be tricky, but I think we can get it out safely.  I’m going to have to shave your head, Rex,” Kix said. “Do you want just a patch, or the whole thing?”

“Shave it all,” Rex said stiffly.  “It’ll grow back.”

Obi Wan watched as Anakin knelt next to Rex on the cot; he was clearly moved by the worry spilling out of Rex, fear that he would become a danger without the chip.  She wished she could tell them both everything would be okay, but she didn’t know if that was true. But she did know one thing. “You’re not alone, Rex,” she said. 

“No, you’re not alone,” said a voice from the doorway.  Tup had come back, and had brought Fives with him. He must have overheard some of their conversation in the medical tent, and had come to see what was going on. “You’re our brother.  We’re all here for you.”

Anakin and Obi Wan exchanged glances.   _ So much for keeping it secret _ , floated through the bond as he moved back to stand beside her.  Kix handed the shaver to Fives, who took Anakin’s place to shave Rex’s head.  

Rex was noticeably calmer, surrounded by his brothers. Kix gave him a sedative, then prepped for the surgery with the help of the droid. It was all done rather more quickly than Obi Wan had expected, but then she avoided Healers like the plague, and had never willingly observed any surgeries except for Anakin’s; and he had never had brain surgery, so her knowledge was decidedly limited.

Kix shooed them all away at that point.  “He’ll be unconscious for a few hours. You can talk to him when he wakes up,” he said.  He held the bowl with the chip in it out to Anakin. “All yours, general.” Anakin grabbed it gingerly, and they left Quin’s tent, Tup and Fives sticking close.

The clones were tense.  “Sorry for eavesdropping, but we knew something was up with Rex, especially after the lot of you came to see Kix together,” Tup said.  “We promise to keep this quiet.”

Obi Wan sighed.  “Thank you. We don’t know what any of this means, or what we’re up against exactly.  But you can see how vital it is that we find out. For your sakes and ours.”

“You’ll let us know what you learn?” Fives asked.

“Of course.”

With a curt nod, they headed back toward the barracks.

The three jedi stood around aimlessly, looking at each other. “We appear to have taken your tent, Quin,” Obi Wan said after the silence had dragged on too long and the atmosphere grew awkward.  

“No worries, lots of places to sleep.  We’ll find a place for you all to bunk too,” he said.  “Are you allowed to tell me how you found out there may be something wrong with the chip?”

Obi Wan cleared her throat.  “Anakin and I were sent on a mission to help a planet with a contagion. It turns out that it was caused by nanites, made by the Kaminoans. It was an experiment to control midichlorians. It got us to wondering what else they might be up to.”

“Well, why are we just standing here?  Let’s go look at the chip and see if there’s anything to be learned,” Quin said as he led them to another tent. They took turns studying the chip, but quickly realized the Force was only going to tell them so much. They were going to need the help of biomedical experts to learn more.  

“We need to find somewhere with a good research facility.  Maybe a university. But not one on Coruscant,” Obi Wan mused.

“Corellia?” suggested Quin, then shook his head.  “Nevermind. Corellia’s not known for its biomedical work.”

“No, but you’re onto something. We need a Core planet,” said Obi Wan.  “Those are the richest planets, and the ones most likely to have well-funded universities and researchers.”

“How about Alderaan?” asked Anakin.  Quin and Obi Wan turned to look at him.  “Padme, er, Senator Amidala is good friends with Senator Organa.  I bet he could help us.”

Obi Wan smiled at him approvingly.  “Good idea, Anakin. I had forgotten about him, but he’s a perfect choice.  Let’s go contact him now.”

Quin told them where the communications tent was, then wandered off.  Anakin established a secure connection, and as luck would have it they were able to catch Bail Organa in his office.

“Master Jedi! How can I be of service?” he asked, hiding his surprise well.

“We’ve run into a bit of a puzzle, Senator, and we believe you’re just the man to help us. We’re in need of a biomedical researcher who understands complex brain implants. And who is discreet,” Obi Wan said.

“Discreet,” repeated Organa.  “Got it. Let me look into it and get back to you. Er, am I correct in assuming you are looking for someone not on Coruscant?”

“Yes, Senator Organa.”

He looked at them thoughtfully.  “Send me a contact number, and I’ll get back to you soon.”

“Thank you, we’ll speak with you soon.”  Obi Wan cut the connection, and slumped a bit in relief.  Anakin could feel her tension, and without conscious thought reached over to massage her neck and shoulders.  

“Mmmm,” she said gratefully, allowing herself a moment to lean into it before standing up as casually as she could. “Thanks Anakin,” she said. She didn’t want him to feel rejected, but she knew it wasn’t a good idea to encourage physical contact.  Anakin felt the rejection all the same.

“I’m going to see if Fives and Tup want to spar,” he said roughly, turning on his heel and heading toward the barracks.

Obi Wan sighed, and headed for Quin’s signature.  He was sitting on the grass by the fire, drinking something from a plastic tumbler.  He poured a cup for her and handed it over. She took it gratefully, then remembered who she was dealing with and sniffed it suspiciously.  Quin laughed. 

“Don’t worry Obi Wan, I’m not trying to poison you.”  

“Ha. I’m more worried about you putting something in here to dye me blue, or make me sprout an extra eyeball.”

“You do that one time, and you never hear the end of it,” he said, and they both laughed.  

“It’s good to see you,” she said affectionately.  “Even if you are a pain.”

“Takes one to know one.”  He turned serious then and tilted his head toward her.  “You do look worse for wear. What happened to you?”

“The Kaminoans were experimenting on a force-sensitive population with nanites.  I got infected. Anakin figured it out and was able to destroy the nanites and save us all.”  She couldn’t keep the pride out of her voice.

Quin regarded her thoughtfully.  “He’s in love with you, you know.”  

Her manner grew noticeably cooler. “Is that right?” 

He rolled his eyes.  “Aww, knock it off Obi Wan.  Just take care of yourself, okay? I’d hate to see you get burned.”

“You know not whereof you speak,” she said, smiling to take the sting out of the rebuke.  Then she added, “He was my padawan. I’m always going to look out for him.”

“Who’s going to look out for you?”

“Me.” She smiled. “Quin, I appreciate your concern, but everything is fine.  And we all look out for each other, don’t we?”

He scooted closer and bumped her shoulder with his.  They sat in companionable silence, drinking and watching the fire spark.

*****

 

Obi Wan sat upright when she heard the rustling at the tent door.  Anakin, she thought.

“Hi Anakin,” she said, and he stopped moving, chagrined.

“Sorry I woke you,” he said gruffly, sitting on his cot and pulling off his boots.  “I wanted to give you enough alone time in case you...well, if you…”

He trailed off and she cocked her head to the side, puzzled.

“In case I what?”

She could feel his embarrassment in the Force.  “In case you and Vos, you know.”

She pinched the bridge of her nose.

“Do you think I’m some kind of sex maniac?” she asked.  

“No.  Not  _ you _ ,” he responded.

She almost laughed then, but didn’t want to hurt his feelings.  “You know I’d have a say in any such goings-on, right?” Then she sighed.  “Anakin, after everything we’ve been through and talked about lately, I’m hardly likely to, um, have relations with someone else in your presence.”

She could feel his jealousy and embarrassment, probably as much at her saying it as at the idea of it, and wasn’t sure he was going to say anything else at all.  Finally he did though, and it wasn’t what she expected. “I wasn’t sure if he’d try something. I would, if I were him.”

“That’s flattering Anakin, but I’m hardly irresistible,” she replied, feeling heat climbing into her own cheeks and grateful he couldn’t see them.  Then she realized he could probably feel her emotions just as she was feeling his.

He laughed a bit at that and said, “Don’t sell yourself short.  How about King Ptah on Djed? He was interested in adding you to his harem.  And the pirates on Deneb III?”

“Oh no, I can’t believe you remembered that,” she murmured.  “Well, you’re pretty irresistible yourself, as I recall. Remember the matriarch on Hellas?  Oh, and that band of teenagers--”

Anakin laughed, grabbing her hand and squeezing it.  “Enough! Uncle!” 

They lay there giggling a bit, before a calm peace stole over them.  Obi Wan was sure Anakin had fallen asleep and was about to follow suit when he spoke again.

“Sorry. And thanks.”

She didn’t ask why he was apologizing or thanking her.  Instead she said, “Anakin, you underrate yourself shockingly.  You’ll do, just as you are.” And the bond was filled with his gratitude as they drifted off to sleep.  

******

Rex woke up on his own the next morning, hungry and in a reasonably good mood. Kix ran a battery of tests on him and they all came back normal. The only thing that was different was that it was the first time in awhile that he wasn’t experiencing headaches.

Obi Wan and Anakin nudged each other through their bond.  

They kept Rex under close observation for the next 48 hours. He was confined to Quin’s tent, but he had plenty of company.  The rest of the 501st had all come to visit him; and they all seemed to understand something pretty important was afoot, and that it was not to be discussed. They were very protective of their own, and Obi Wan knew they’d protect Rex against any outside interference.

During his convalescence, another interesting tidbit emerged. When Rex woke up on the second day and told them he was no longer having nightmares, Obi Wan was sure that they were on the right track. She could feel this thought echoing in Anakin, but before they could discuss it, they were called to the comm to speak to  Bail Organa.

They hurried to the communications tent.  

“Senator Organa, thank you for getting back to us,” said Obi Wan.  “I hope you have good news?”

“I do,” he said with a smile. “I’ve found an expert in biotechnology at Aldera University. He’s a bit on the reclusive side, so I will meet you on the planet and take you to him. I had already planned a trip home in a few days to meet with my wife and other Alderaan ministers, so it won’t look unusual that I am gone for a few days.”  He hesitated a moment, then added, “I haven’t mentioned to anyone that we’ve been in contact.”

“Thank you,” Obi Wan said quietly.  “We’ll be able to fill you in more soon.”

They discussed the logistics of the trip for a few moments--Obi Wan let him know there would be four of them coming--and they set a date for arrival.

When they’d signed off Anakin looked at her curiously.  “Who’s the fourth, Obi Wan?” 

“Kix,” she said.  “I thought it might be helpful for them to study the chip inside a clone’s brain.  And Rex may feel more comfortable having another clone with him.”

Anakin just nodded and turned to the ship to get it ready for departure.


End file.
